EASTMAN

In case of the Rapture, born-again Christians should always be prepared by having clean underwear. Nothing is more important. Just ask anyone who needs a pair.

The best thing about funerals is sitting in a church and not hearing about sin.

You can cheat death, but not EVERY time.

Do cannibals say grace?

Since Kash Patel is being strict about displaying an improper "political" message, I can’t wait until he cracks down on FBI agents wearing little gold crosses around their necks.

Freedom of speech is not subject to the whim of a pedophile President, fanatical fundamentalists, or corrupt corporations. It is a right of the people. So, say whatever the hell you want, because (at least for now) this is still the land of the FREE.

Just because an evangelical’s faith instructs them to believe something delusional does not mean that rational people will fall for it as well. Critical thinking always prevails over bogus Biblical bombast.

A priest and a pedophile walk into a bar - no, wait, they’re the same guy.

Born-again Christians claim that God is love, but their faith is based on the fear of eternal damnation.

Born-again Christians believe in free speech… until you say something intelligent that’s supported with logic and facts.

THE NEW TEN COMMANDMENTS

Thou shalt not…

Build mega churches
Abolish science
Ban vaccines
Hate gays
Own assault weapons
Believe Fox News
Ban books
Protect pedophiles
Worship a MAGA dictator
Use God to divide the nation

Evangelicals are convinced the Rapture is near. I, for one, will be glad to see them go.

It is baffling that in the age of instant worldwide communication, the Lord still chooses to give believers a sign by having the image of Jesus appear on a piece of toast. God moves in mysterious ways, indeed.

Born-again Christians ignore most of the Bible and instead, pick and choose the passages that make them feel superior to others. That creates their self-righteous, holier-than-thou attitude as they try to force everyone to dumb down to their level.

Listening to Trump lie about autism gave me a headache. Where’s the Tylenol?

I believe it is God’s will that I make fun of His followers. Although it’s not easy doing the Lord’s work, I am proud to be his humble servant. So, until they disappear in the Rapture, I will do the Almighty’s bidding and ridicule evangelicals at every opportunity. I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT!

Thin-skinned evangelicals have consistently shown that jokes and satire can hurt their delicate feelings. Poor babies. In a world filled with suffering that deserves their attention, they choose instead to focus on “mean” humor. Jesus Christ! Gimme a break.

An inside source confirms that the Rapture will occur a week from Tuesday, weather permitting. Believers are encouraged to pray for blue skies and light winds. BON VOYAGE!

An inside source confirms that the Rapture will occur a week from Tuesday, weather permitting. Believers are encouraged to pray for blue skies and light winds. BON VOYAGE!

Whenever Trump gets pissed off with the negative fallout from his idiotic decisions, he always blames someone else. He knows it could never be his fault. His God complex exempts him from human error… Mental illness is a bitch.

Evangelicals passionately believe in free speech… as long as you agree with their delusions.

Religious faith is the opposite of critical thinking. Or, put another way, it’s the embrace of willful ignorance. To disregard facts while clinging to a make-believe fantasy indicates a person does not possess a firm grasp on reality.

SPIRITUAL ETIQUETTE: Never gargle the Communion wine.

Mega churches make mega bucks off of mega suckers. TAX FREE!

If RFK Jr. remains the Secretary of Health and Human Services, it will be because it’s God’s will. Which means the Lord intends to thin the herd.

Look at the bright side. Anti-vaxxers won’t be around as long as the rest of us. Every cloud has a silver lining.

What happened to Jimmy Kimmel is no joke. I just hope he doesn’t end up homeless. You know what Fox News wants to do to those folks.

With MAGA evangelicals, you get two batshit crazy cults for the price of one!

Something you will never see: Donald Trump walking out of a Mensa meeting.

Having troops with weapons patrol the streets of DC does not increase safety. However, it does increase the risk of fascism destroying our democracy.