making a metal horse just to name it RoboClop
I Tried to Make a Joke But Realized It Will Be Misinterpreted: An Autobiography
which bad bitch got served divorce papers this morning, went and did two back to back interviews, and got offered a job this afternoon?
THIS BAD BITCH 🙋🏻♀️💅
“ah well, there’s your problem,” I confidently say as I point to myself
*counting all my cookies like scrooge mcduck stacking gold coins*
I'm 34% cold brew and 87% antihistamines
you should be able to power wash memories out of your head
My boycott of Target is permanent, it moved out of its parents' house and is an independent grown ass MANcott now.
i hope this finds you avoiding reality
I just know my soulmate is out there, also avoiding his problems
hello sharks: introducing the first Time Machine that takes you back to the last day you did a connect the dots picture
I just heard a crazy old woman in the street yelling 'don't you fucking dare walk away from me you fucking bellend' and all I could think was 'mother?'.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
wait a second everyone lives happily ever after what kind of sick socialist fairy tale is this
You can treat my face like a Jackson Pollock if you wanna
Phantom of the Opurra
Saturn without its rings asking everything what it really thinks about Saturn and you still pretend to laugh at all my witty gazes in the planetarium
a giant ravioli filled with lasagna
Nice to be back on the deck today
I rly hope all the ppl i let go ahead of me know im still an assassin
Nothing has been saved. Where is our daylight savior, I am sleepy and grouchy
weren’t we all 🤣
Son, when I was your age, apples were as big as watermelons, they were green on the outside, and when you cut ‘em open, they were red and juicy inside and tasted like watermelon
How am I? I don't answer trick questions.
Sometimes I feel crazy but it's just that my phone brightness is too high
Sometimes it sits with me and sets down its drink that an illusion would get up and leave without this furniture. We believe in each other we're comfortable, as long as I vacuum right through reality's slippers
Now I am become Death, destroyer of worlds, and this is my wife, Patti.
My cat's shits are getting bigger every day but his diet hasn't changed so does that mean i'm shrinking?
Chicken and gravy flavored jellybeans are definitely what your kids want for Easter
I would love to throw some fake fruit at you
