Dreamer

I didn’t punch the bitch just chatting on her cell while we all waited for her to finish the self checkout

Therapist: any other good deeds this week?

you don’t have to tell me that you upped your medication

wish I had more opportunities to show off my mud wrestling skills

Putting my cold foot on my own leg to see how I like it

they should invent parents that are proud of me

me: did you know garbanzo beans are a diuretic? but only for women.

wife:

me: yep. they make chicks pee.

wife:

I don’t want a lot. I just want the men and women responsible to die in prison,
broke and rejected by society

saying stupid shit on the internet is what keeps me alive

“Good news!” he happily declared, clearly in the middle of a psychotic break.

I can't make you horny but I can make you question your sanity.

I’m in 2027. You?

*enters chat like a skillet of sizzling fajitas*

the horrors can cease to amaze now pls

I am constantly having to look up who you are talking about and then having to scour my browsing history with bleach.

they’re carrying my dead corpse around like it’s a weekend at bernies

I honestly just go the renaissance fair to see boobs.

My therapist says it's perfectly normal that my imaginary crush has a crush on me.

wonka if literal: chocolate labs

I knew he was the one when he rolled over in bed to stare deeply into my eyes and said, "Don't worry, babe, it's Caturday"

Shower this morning wasn’t hot enough. My skin is still attached.

i do not have the capacity to process any more horror if you need me i will be lying on the kitchen floor covering my naked body in cold cuts

“tough winter” I whisper to myself, shopping for a swim shirt

Not a fan of audits. Not at all.

A person wearing a chicken mask squatting inside a chicken pen with several live chickens.

“Hello, fellow chickens.”
“Nice try, narc.”

If you're overlooking pedophilia because you prefer bombing over grooming, your god is dead.

the fifa peace prize used to mean something

Fan art of saitama from the anime one punch man sitting with Dr Manhattan in space

When a shitposter and a serious poster become mutuals

Was about to do a post complaining about podcasters who only seem capable of shitting on things they don’t like until I realized that I would be doing essentially the same thing. Unsure if that would be ironic or just make me a hypocrite.

I think it's important to sit in quiet places so you can hear the way you talk to yourself.

there's so much going on here, i gots questions and the noise, wtf is making that noise and the bird kicking seeds unbothered by it all 🤣