Many Types of Tea

:( the girl with the pearl earring could never

Just hearing about this flinging of custard and apple crumble at the Crown Jewels. They’re really missing the chance to talk about remanding the attackers in custard-y

This is a nice pinny!

Can’t believe they got clearance to build it on top of the Scottish Parliament tbh

Can’t believe that bitch ate all my Dairy Milk again (it’s me I’m that bitch)

My favourite tale in this genre was from an American flatmate of mine in Dublin. The only automatic the car hire company had was a Ford Galaxy (MPV). Neither her nor her friend had ever driven on the left before so they spent a weekend navigating the west of Ireland’s 1 track roads in it, screaming

A Leopard 2A7 tank

Car hire companies: we’ve gone ahead and given you a wee upgrade from the economy mini you booked, is that okay?
The upgrade:

I have to say, having a fever for the last couple of days has done wonders for my heating bill

Innovative and sinister

Sometimes when you’re scrolling you get a very clear message that it’s time to go to bed. Tonight’s video was ‘it took me 6 months to teach my octopus to play the piano’

I have some sort of horrible flu thing and I’m raging about it. Yet again I regret that I have not trained the dog to make me tea

You can’t just show me a dog once in your TV show, that dog is a main character now. Give me more dog

It was you!!

Oh that’s much sadder than I’d have guessed.

In fairness I probably account for 1-2 million of those plays over the years

It’s got to have been in some hugely popular telly thing. It’s the only explanation, surely

God forbid a woman should contain multitudes

Why has Enya’s ‘Only Time’ been played over 404 million times and ‘Orinoco Flow’ is only at 259 million plays? Was it in Stranger Things or something

Agreed

That and the rising fascism

Panadol rewriting Santa Claus is Comin’ To Town as ‘Colds and Flus are Comin’ To Town’ is what’s wrong with Britain

She’s more tog than person

Excellent. I’ll just keep adding duvets then

God forbid a girl should be exceptionally cosy

I sleep with two duvets in the winter, the combined tog of which is 23.5, and some googling has confirmed that the internet thinks this is absolute insanity and that I’m likely to combust

🫡

You need 7

Not sure how to take it that my uni invited me to a will writing seminar. Or that it is hosted by the legacies department. “Free tea? Mmm tastes of almonds”

Irish traitors iplayer when

The perfect way to find a life partner was laid out by Dolly Parton in 1970 if you’d care to listen
- hear rumours of a mean & reclusive person
- walk down the railroad track
- get told you can stay since you’re already here
- live happily ever after I guess??