Darth Jake Sullivan (Parody)

When I clerked for Justice Souter, I also took it like a man.

I am national security.

How about killing non-prisoners? I did that with Ukraine by tying their hands behind their back.

In doing so, I saved us all from nuclear war.

I am national security.

This is a joke.

I am national security.

If allowing the annexation of Alaska by Russia brings them to the negotiating table, then that is what we must do. It may be the only way to prevent Kansas City, Missouri, from being bombed with a 1970s designed nuclear weapon.

As a child of the eighties and ‘Rocky’ and ‘Red Dawn,’ I believe in freedom fighters and I believe in righteous causes, and I believe the Ukrainians have one.

The only person I have to listen to is myself.

I am national security.

Thank you for highlighting the level of analysis that goes into my thinking. As the winner of the Alpheus Henry Snow Prize at Yale, you can rest assured I know what I’m doing.

I stand with Ukraine as long as it takes, even to flail.

I am national security.

If you put on noise cancelling headphones, the Middle East is the quietest it’s ever been.

I am national security.

Thank you for listening to my brave conversation. Yes, this impacts our foreign policy.

Did you know that I was voted most likely to succeed by my peers in high school? I was also a Coca-Coca scholar.

If you don’t believe me, it’s on my Wikipedia page, which I definitely didn’t write.

This type of language is escalatory. Using profanity can only provoke Russia further. Only through listening to Russia can we prevent nuclear war.

I am national security.

Cutting off trade from our partners in Russia would be escalatory. I have prevented Dixville Notch, NH, from being obliterated by nuclear war.

I am national security.

This is not true. Ayatollah Khomenei of Iran, with whom I negotiated a nuclear deal, is more reliable than North Korea.

I will never let this happen. I alone can prevent nuclear war.

I am national security.

I understand that the People’s Republic of China wants to invade Taiwan, as is their right. We must seek to create dialogue between both parties to avoid a conflict in Singapore.

I am national security.

I understand that the People’s Republic of China wants to invade Taiwan, as is their right. We must seek to create dialogue between both parties to avoid a conflict in Singapore.

I am national security.

This was my idea, and it was a good one. Building bridges with our enemies keeps the United States safe.

I’m sure my partner, Ayatollah Khomenei, believed what I told him. We go back a long way.

I am national security.

The United States stands with Ukraine as long as it takes. I am outraged by Russia’s attack on innocent civilians.

I’m proud to have supplied Patriot missile systems to defend Ukraine. However, this type of language will escalate to nuclear war.

I am national security.

Working with our allies in Israel, the UAE, Egypt, Jordan, Saudi Arabia, Iran, Qatar, and Russia, the relationship between the West Bank and Israel is at its most stable in years.

Diplomacy works.

I am national security.

This is escalatory and may lead to a nuclear naval war. Hvartska must stop provoking Russia.

I am national security.

Sending exactly 21 short-range ATACMS to Ukraine didn’t escalate things with russia. Has Germany considered sending one Taurus?

I am national security.

U.S. News and World Report from 23 Jan 2023: Russia Now Engaged in a ‘Real’ War With the West Over Ukraine: Lavrov

The United States has to choose what is necessary and what is nice to have on the Ukrainian battlefield.

I quickly — within 18 months — advised President Biden to transfer 21 ATACMS missiles to Ukraine, preventing nuclear war.

I am national security.