Trace Mitchell

Did you hear that a new Lego store is opening?

I can really feel the anticipation building.

People are lined up for blocks.

I have been trying to get over my hiking addiction.

But I am not out of the woods yet.

Job interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?"

Me: "I’d say my biggest weakness is listening."

I keep trying to convince my friend to stop riding the baggage carousel at the airport.

He’s slowly coming around.

If you’re looking for a job, I highly recommend Search and Rescue.

They’re always looking for people.

We are not here to fight each other.

We are here to fight for each other.

I wanted to make a joke about Elinor Ostrom, but most of them have already been made.

It’s a tragedy that these jokes are so common.

Thankfully, the pool of potential jokes has not been completely depleted.

I just hope they are as funny in practice as they are in theory.

I got my friend a large t-shirt that said “World’s Best Psychic,” but he didn’t appreciate it at all.

Turns out, he is a medium.

What does a recent law school graduate have in common with a recovering alcoholic?

They are both trying to pass the Bar.

My friend handed me a peach, but I told him I prefer pears.

He handed me another peach.

My law school made me take a class on the nature of the firm.

It was a required Coase.

Did you know that Jesus drove a Honda but never told anyone?

For He did not speak of His own Accord.

They should really restock ATMs more often.

I went to four different ones and they all said insufficient funds.

Try not to get upset when someone makes a fat joke about you.

You’re bigger than that.

I just called the tinnitus hotline.

It didn’t stop ringing.

Apparently, you can get lawyers at Ikea now.

They’re very affordable, but you do have to build your own case.

“But without the ring, how will we defeat Sauron?”

“Do not gloat when your enemy falls; when they stumble, do not let your heart rejoice.” - Proverbs 24:17

My grandmother is in her 90’s and she still doesn’t need glasses.

She just drinks straight out of the bottle.

“How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” - Matthew 7:4-5

I named my dog “Wifi.”

Because I stole it from my neighbor.

We talk about “tweaking” capitalism to increase the amount of goods and services that it already produces and establish a more just distribution of those goods and services.

We talk about “tweaking” socialism to avoid genocide and mass starvation.

I can’t believe that over 15 years after the show ended, people are still making “Friends” references.

No one told me life was gonna be this way.

My earliest childhood memory is going to the eye doctor and getting a pair of glasses.

Before that, life was a blur.

Overuse “I love you”

Me: Do you have any books on turtles?

Librarian: Hardback?

Me: Yep, with little heads.

I just got over my addiction to combining chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts.

I’m not gonna lie, it was a Rocky Road.

Everyone always asks, “Who is John Galt?”

But no one ever asks, “How is John Galt?”

“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” - Ephesians 4:2

My vegan friend just told me that people who sell meat are disgusting.

I told her that people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.