PermaConfused

*Sings Steamy Windows*

He already had a $25 million bounty on him.

Try reading this headline out at a mandatory drug test in 2008.

America is a very cruel country to Black people.

We traditionally don't make the most of what happens in the summer but this year we've made more of an effort. Generally it involves food.

It really is. The food is exceptional if you're a carnivore. Two massive duck breasts and two sausages for €27, cooked however you like it, fries for €2.50 pitcher of good local beer for €10. Our friend brought salad but we swapped those calories for sorbets.

a tan puppy sits on a gray surface and looks at the camera. she has a bump in the middle of her forehead with a tuft of lighter colored fur, and her eyes are wideset. she's a magical unicorn.

a side profile of the Twilight the unicorn puppy. the bump on her noggin is pronounced from this angle.

Twilight sits next to her mom Celestia, a tan and white dog with tall alert ears and golden brown eyes.

This is Twilight. She was born with a bump on her noggin. Yes, that does make her a unicorn. While it doesn't cause her any pain, she's going to have a specialist check it out to determine if she'll need any additional care. 13/10 magical as h*ck

My earliest memory is me accidentally electrocuting myself.

It happened 10 minutes ago.

A retail display box of kubaton keychain weapons with a sign that reads "NOT FOR YOUR BUTT $8."

you’re not the boss of me

An empty frog-shaped impression in the cement to the right of a pair of feet.

Wile E. Frog

A band plays in front of an imposing French church. Benches and tables on the left are full of people with others on the right hand side walking up a road with market stalls nearby.

Went to our favourite night market this evening. Several stalls selling food which you then take to the volunteer grill teams. Obligatory beer stand, fries and a band. All in the square outside the church with tables and chairs provided. Absolutely rammed with people all having a great evening.

Lovely job. Full marks, Nature. No notes.

Whatever it was, it certainly wasn't moisturising.

The people replying to this trying to top the joke. Don't try, just stand back and applaud.

Urologist here; what ever you are thinking about doing with this product-just stop. Don’t do it.

Yes, but - hear me out - how about The Greater Lebowski...

I regret to say that I may have said this to an irate Italian man who was yelling at me in a video game within the last six months.

Nonsense. Are you telling me that if I type "make a film about some dude", I'm not going to get a great movie out of it?

The "Dean Cain is the Kevin Sorbo of Rob Schneiders" comment may have driven him off the deep end.

And let the congregation say:

Sure, Jan.

Jokes? In this economy?

Need a fishing spot with some space to relax? The Whitespring Golf Club is open!

Mutated amphibians included. 🐸

The weight loss thing is really working its magic on him...

Can't wait for ShatGPT to wipe my arse

Photo of a snail and its trail: it's climbed up the side of a brick, then made a sharp turn down again.

Parkour.

Home | Matt Owen | Freelance Writer I offer a broad and diverse range of writing services. Get in touch!

Because there are no “Job Classifieds” for writers, especially comedy writers, I’m putting my website here in the hope there might be some work going. I’ll openly admit it’s been incredibly tough going this year, so please have a look or share. Thank you kind people www.mathew-owen.co.uk

Yeah, well, those are just your facts. We're talking about opinions here. Way more scientific.

11,100 hectares = 15,500 football pitches.

The fire is traveling at 7 km/h with a frontline of over 12 km.