Sam

Shoutout to my grandma, who gave my grandpa the exact same Valentine’s Day card every year for decades. He’d read it, or convincingly pretend to, like it was brand new. She’d smile, take it back, and put it in the drawer for next year. Recycling. Romance. Ruthless efficiency. RIP, lovers.

This carpet is super fancy! A shag?

This carpet is super! Fancy a shag?

Punctuation matters.

Excuse me, do you have a Valentine's Day card that plays "Dust in the Wind"?

sorry to humble brag, but with deep concentration, I can move my hiccups through my digestive track and turn them into flatulence

I’m fighting capitalism by not replacing my still functioning dishwasher, that has a broken door, by placing a caution sign on the handle so I don’t keep repeatedly dropping it on my foot

A bel biv devoe bahn mi shop called that girl is hoisin

not wearing a bra to the hospital feels a little illegal everyone please avert your eyes these are my bedroom boobs

peering out from between the threads of an unraveled life, rolling the end between my fingertips

no humping for me today thanks but i wouldn’t say no to some trashy necking

anyone wanna come be my teddy bear on a trial basis? the one i have now is too small and also lifeless

If you're seeing this, it's a sign from the Universe to see this.
You're welcome.

That time of year when we welcome the new year… only to curse it in 6 months.

They will keep on doing things because we are allowing them to do things.

Eating because I’m hungry, bored, stressed, happy, sad, not hungry, breathing.

Kid rock being famous is proof that white patriarchal privilege exists because what the actual fuck, guys

Contractor: So what features do you want for your parking lot?

Trader Joes: Too small. Hard to access. Counter-intuitive. Same as always

If I'm so dumb how does my body know when it's a full moon

Transferring my consciousness into a gas station pepperoni stick

happy dog with a too big stick trying to get through a door is my entire life energy

Note to self: Self does not want anymore notes

Your opinion is important to me. Please hold while I get my Trebuchet

the good news is if you walk barefoot enough your feet turn into shoes

Hire an accordionist to start playing at family gatherings when you want to signal the guests it’s time for them to leave.

we have arrived at my favorite time of day
It’s called fuck this shit o’clock

Been saying "uh oh" a worrying amount lately

The ugly, ugly truth is that no one's going to jail for the paedo shit.
Get them for the financial stuff - it's all the system cares about.

Can't.
Busy filling the drafts folder with gnomic phrases that'll make no sense in the morning.

*Wakes up from twelve year coma with bright, hopeful smile* “So did Bernie Sanders win?”

me: I'll just pop this here and look at it when I have time

draft posts:

saved posts:

tumbleweeds:

So let me get this straight…
To enter a country I don’t even want to visit rn, I now have to submit my memes, my bad jokes, my 3am personality crisis, and pass the creepy orange reality-show vibe check?