Sam

gas prices up, time to start taking tp from work

When vegetarian men hang out it’s called an eggplant party.

The best way to avoid an expensive divorce is by not getting married in the first place.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

I just heard a crazy old woman in the street yelling 'don't you fucking dare walk away from me you fucking bellend' and all I could think was 'mother?'.

Kurt Loder didn’t prepare me for any of this

Me, joining yet another social media app:
- Yes, hello. This is my 24th rodeo and I still don't know what's going on.

Blowing up oil refineries in a city of 10 million people that is already suffering climate-crisis-induced water shortages and ecological catastrophe is breathtakingly evil.

Happy Mar10

might create a sex alt but im not sure me in sweat pants writing cant get laid jokes needs its own account

few things are more shattering than looking around for your cup of coffee only to remember that you've already finished it

Coworker: how are you?

Me: I'm fairly confident today is Wednesday, so okay I guess

Son, when I was your age, apples were as big as watermelons, they were green on the outside, and when you cut ‘em open, they were red and juicy inside and tasted like watermelon

Someone posts for attention?
Give them attention.
Move on.
Protect your blood pressure. We’re too old for this shit.

I feel so much safer now that the Ayatollah Khamenei has been replaced by the Ayatollah Khamenei.

BREAKING: Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem has died during a scheduled rhinoplasty. she was 54. according to the hospital staff, dogs disguised as a surgical team mauled Noem, later found foaming at the mouth. Noem leaves behind Corey Lewandowski, who deserves to be left behind anyway.

it’s like they say: a woman needs a man like a country needs a warmongering serial killer pedophile for a president

Gang, today is the day you do an interpretive dance to Helen Reddy’s I Am Woman for all the amazing women in your life. Then ask them what’s for supper

Still waiting on a motherfucker to tell me how to get to Sesame Street.

those companies you’ve never heard of but they say they’ve been around since 1929 in their commercial

Well, the aliens aren't going to fix this.

No one wants to seize the day anymore.

Sorry I won't make it to work today; I am still mourning the loss of an hour of my weekend.

Me, as a kid: *used to drink water out of a hose

Me, as an adult: *refuses to drink unfiltered water

shitposter is an anagram of "repost shit"

with congestion pricing, is it still possible to be caught between the moon and new york city

Have the kind of sex where you have to buy a new house.

Looking for a genie to turn me into my wife's phone so I can be held all day while getting tummy rubs.

“It’s a price worth paying” is easy to say when you’re not paying shit.

just threw my Apple Watch across the room when it told me it was time to stand, in honor of every woman who has been told it was time to do anything, ever, by anyone

I asked Claude™️ how to replace capitalism with socialism and it called ICE on me