sorry if my posts haven’t been up to snuff lately. in my defense i only started posting by accident
I just know my soulmate out there also never leaving their house.
Pleased to report that I survived an elephant charge from this weekend’s epic bush adventure.
classing up “junk in the trunk” and calling it “loot in the boot”
You know you ordered way too much fucking food for yourself when the Chinese restaurant gives you four fortune cookies.
ChatGPT told me you've been asking about some weird shit.
Writing a folk song about her gastrointestinal issues isn't the panty dropper you'd think it'd be.
Do you think they gave Britney a breathalyzer or just viewed her last social media post?
Who among us doesn't want bolder brows?
Found a faded five dollar bill in the pocket of my jeans so yes I'm guilty of money laundering.
please accept my sincerest oopsie daises
Feed me Seymour!
During the work day? Awake? 👀
💀
Ground control to how's your mom?
Spanish PM Sánchez responds to Trump:
"Spain is against this disaster... Govts are here to improve people's lives... It is absolutely unacceptable that those leaders who are unable to fulfill that mission use the smoke of war to hide their failure, and in the process, fill the pockets of a few."
Find out where he works and send it to his boss…
I would do anything for love…
Just kidding. Love is stupid.
Brain fog, like the one from the movie THAT KILLS YOU
I have ceased to inhale quite a few times today
hey, thanks for following, you will regret it
This is me this week too omg 😩🫠
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Text your husband "I know your secret" and he'll bring you so many presents!
You don't even need to know what the secret is!
Just checking in to make sure everything is still stupid.
My flight has a crying baby a few rows back and two guys next to me talking about online gambling. I've asked the attendant if I can sit closer to the baby.
I accidentally sent a wink emoji after telling a guy I'm sorry for the loss of his wife. Now I have to sleep with him.
Just because you can father children way into your golden years… IT DOESN’T MEAN YOU SHOULD.
The Dow is now WAY below 50,000. Release all the Epstein files, Pam.
