Missy. Typo. 🫠
27.02.2026 12:17 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 1 📌 0Missy. Typo. 🫠
27.02.2026 12:17 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 1 📌 0A “nervous breakdown” sounds way more fun than it actually is.
27.02.2026 11:13 — 👍 20 🔁 4 💬 2 📌 0Every day my kid’s puberty journey has me saying… “What fresh hell is this…?”
27.02.2026 11:12 — 👍 16 🔁 1 💬 0 📌 0I didn’t give natural birth, but I sure as fuck am gonna raw dog menopause.
27.02.2026 11:06 — 👍 5 🔁 1 💬 0 📌 0Amazing 🤩
27.02.2026 11:05 — 👍 0 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0This Friday is for the queenagers and the cliteratti…
27.02.2026 11:04 — 👍 8 🔁 1 💬 0 📌 0
ME: time to sleep
BRAIN: what if you were in a bathroom stall and a giraffe walked in
Burnt out February is a thing right…RIGHT?
27.02.2026 09:04 — 👍 12 🔁 3 💬 1 📌 0When I call a man a “son of a bitch,” the bitch I’m referring to is his father.
15.10.2025 02:42 — 👍 68 🔁 18 💬 2 📌 0So many things can be turned into musical instruments, my kids threatened.
27.02.2026 00:00 — 👍 103 🔁 29 💬 3 📌 0I dated a mortician, but they broke it off with me because my personality was too warm and because they preferred guys who don’t talk.
27.02.2026 05:42 — 👍 9 🔁 2 💬 0 📌 0Everyday is a good day to trigger a MAGAt.
27.02.2026 05:17 — 👍 10 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0Blasting missy elliott on the school run at dawn is the only thing that’s gonna get me through today.
27.02.2026 05:14 — 👍 11 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0Just crossed off the first item on my annual To Do list. It was the 2024 list, but still
27.02.2026 04:35 — 👍 294 🔁 81 💬 3 📌 0My mental state is more like November than February.
27.02.2026 05:12 — 👍 3 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0* tips queef *
22.02.2026 19:19 — 👍 0 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0At what age is it considered less sexual prime and more midlife crisis?
22.02.2026 12:53 — 👍 19 🔁 7 💬 2 📌 0
[At the office]
Colleague: it rained so hard on my way in I was as wet as…
Me: …ass pussy?
At my age, I don’t apply make up...
I pull my face back and set it with a staple gun.
Eating all the cookies fast af!
I call that move…
“Oreo speedwagon.”
Dancing without touching,
or as I like to call it …
pranic! at the disco.
At a bar]
Random guy: hi
Me: if you’re not snipped, I’ll cut you.
Him:
At a wine tasting]
Me: this wine tastes like sex I won’t remember having.
Wine maker:
I’m at least 3 “I’m fines” away from a nervous breakdown
22.02.2026 12:49 — 👍 56 🔁 19 💬 0 📌 0
I’ve accepted a new position at PornHub for renaming videos.
You’ll find “Rectum Ralph” with the sequel “Prolapse Relapse” in the anal category.
Don’t get married.
Just have a husbank.
You feel like a little sex and murder?
- Me as a praying mantis.
Being alone makes me break out…
I’m shingled and ready to mingle.
Makeup so good, she’ll make you question your pronouns
22.02.2026 12:47 — 👍 7 🔁 1 💬 0 📌 0
When the gyno tells you to "relax" in the stirrups, and you nervous queef so hard, it blows his toupee off...
That's my level on anxiety today.