“I’m strong and I want to have like fifty kids and a farm” of course you do. You’re twelve. “I don’t want to eat vegetables I think steak and French fries is the only meal” hell yeah homie you’re twelve. “Maybe if there’s crime we should just send the army” bless your heart my twelve year old buddy
Who decided to call it a poltergeist instead of an imaginary fiend?
I'm at the age where I start giving directions by naming buildings that aren't there anymore
Who's ready for March Radness, who's ready to fill out some Xtreme Bracketz
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
☹️
I stroll up to the saloon and roughly push the doors open. They swing back with enough force to knock me back into the street. None of the customers even notice that I tried to come in.
Already saw an 18 second unskippable ad, a teaser for Ready or Not Here I Come.
I have no bangers and I must post
horse
Add a letter, ruin a song
When the Knight Comes
Years ago my dog encountered her first turtle and didn't have a blessed clue what to do about it.
Add a letter, ruin a song
Learning to Flay
Hey fool, drink my drool
*serenely* imagine the sound of one hand fapping
I was around 10 years old when my ultra-religious grandmother confidently told me that dinosaurs weren't real because the Bible doesn't mention them.
"People swallow 8 spiders a year in their sleep!"
"A duck's quack is the only sound that doesn't echo, and NOBODY KNOWS WHY!"
"All polar bears are left-handed!"
"This will be the first month in 787 years with FIVE Fridays!"
So, early 2000s
I'm supposed to get married this year but look around. How can I bring a wife into this world
*movie villain bursts into a room, screaming, waving an axe and chasing everyone*
my mom: is that the bad guy?
Call me old fashioned, but when I see a mouse I immediately jump on a chair, roll up my pants legs and yell EEK
Was looking through my old posts for bangers to recycle and someone must've deleted them all
this is what it feels like to post on bluesky
(using the end slices of a loaf of bread) i'm so brave
i love the dogfood ads comparing our pets to their wild wolf relatives bounding through the woods but mine will whine and cry for an hour when a cheerio rolls under the china hutch
JUDGE: I sentence you to 37 years in prison
ME: nah
JUDGE: what
ME: I’m not vibing that
JUDGE: I see
ME: yeah
JUDGE: I guess you’re free to go then
ME: peace out my robed brother
JUDGE: that is the coolest guy I’ve ever seen it was an honor to let him go
who wants to sit on a hay bale and start a jug band with me
I wonder how many of the Gen Z respondents are unmarried and completely unaware of the massive reality check awaiting them.
ME: if bologna is pronounced “baloney” then lasagna is pronounced “lasaney”
WAITER: ok would you like grated cheese on your lasaney
Think I'll just lie here under this tree until I'm fossilized in amber
