D. Boon’s Ghost

Why all these mfs look like Clarence

Gravity: *exists*

Cats: *defy*

*me mentally* “I’m freaking out all the time I can’t focus on anything my career is spiraling down the toilet AHHHH!!”

*me physically*

I’m Andy Rooney and you may remember me from such segments as “Why are all the stores open on Easter now?” and “Get confident, stupid!”

It’s been scrubbed from the internet, but one of my favorite 60 Minutes was the clip of Andy Rooney bitching about Kurt Cobain’s suicide. He’s basically like “Aww, you were sad? Did you ever try NOT being sad, idiot!”

A great book about America’s rapidly consolidating media industry. I don’t even play video games anymore and I love all of Schreier’s work.

“Steve Miller’s Gland”

I can’t believe Trump just went and pardoned Lydia Tár! The shit she gets away with makes me sick!

All this so some utter dickhead can make a video of like a fat Jackie Chan doing the mall fight from Police Story (me, I’m the dickhead, the dickhead is me)

Scroll up.

This guy is supposedly a journalist but somehow doesn’t know people in his profession are doing the exact thing he’s saying isn’t happening.

I wish I could be paid to be this bad at my job!

Republicans: “We want to treat immigrants inhumanely 😡”

Democrats: “We want to treat immigrants inhumanely 😃”

There’s this guy at the park with a matching tan tracksuit straight up power walking while reading a book and listening to headphones at the same time, and I’ve never been so intimidated by anyone before

Nephew: “I love Mr. Beast, he’s so cool!”
Me: “Oh wow, what’s he do that’s cool?”
Nephew: “HE HAS A TON OF MONEY!!”
Me: 😃 🔫

I watched Saddam Hussein being hanged on a flip phone video I downloaded from BitTorrent, a sentence that sounds INSANE to anybody younger than 30

Aw c’mon and she’s paint on her overalls — I mean what IS that?!

I am calling for a blanket ban on the use of “Rebel Girl” as a soundtrack indicator that a girl is rebellious. It was literally used as a joke in Not Another Teen Movie.

STOP IT!!

What I’m seeing is that now is the time to invest in commodities (hard drugs and liquor)

Everyone cancelling Netflix and Hulu ‘cause they’re angry about different kinds of people existing or because they’re mad at corporate greed.

Meanwhile I cancelled Netflix and Hulu ‘cause I can’t afford them due to my illustrious career in entertainment.

Something as simple as this popular coffee table book

🎶 Hey there Delilah I wrote this song, it’s really shitty 🎶

The images leaking out of Abu Ghraib of prisoners forced to strip naked and form human pyramids, and drunk uncles going “Aye that lady with the gun thought it was pretty funny!”

Me in 2020: “I will never forgive the Red Sox for trading Mookie Betts, that team is dead to me and I’ll go to my grave cursing the name of John Henry!!”

Me when they get a chance to end the Yankees’ season: “Things were said, feelings were hurt, can we start fresh?”

Personally I wouldn’t jump to valorize a roomful of guys who love doing war crimes who are upset because they’re not being led by the correct type of psychopath, but yeah sure, viva la résistance or whatever.

Rereading “Disney War” and it’s outrageous how frequently a passage describing Michael Eisner elaborately consolidating his power like a medieval king is followed by like, “Box office returns for ‘Cabin Boy’ were greatly underwhelming.”