BTWerewolf

I received a letter today informing me that my mother has passed away on Sunday the 10th.

I had not spoken or seen her since I went no contact in 2017.

Now, just to take care of the funeral, then sigh in relief.

It's over.

Even with all that happened, all she did ..

Rest in peace.

Herr Nudel von und zu Nudel aus Nudelland.

I was a world-renowned explorer, but then I got 2 arrows to my knee. Now I make fursuits and work on my cars in the garage.... and I would not go back.

"This whine-valise now belongs to Großkatzenreich!" We demand the finest tuna as compensation and belly rubbs.

Sorry for the rant at this time of year, but I'm running out of options. I just don't know anymore. I don't want to bother or traumadump on anyone anymore. Why can't these wounds heal? Why do they get ripped open again and again. Why can't I have just a little peace.

But still, I get things done work on improving my apartment cleaning getting rid of old stuff I don't ned anymore but I'm falling apart after the seams abd there is not much filling left to run out. I got rejected by another therapist, and I'm about to stop searching for more.

I just wana hide in my bed and get the last week of work done and call this year quitts on Friday the 13th .. hoping for some peace and relaxation in my 3 weeks of xmas vacation. But with all at work, even my vacation is at risk being canceled. I'm just drained and numb.

I kinda feel this is just another attempt for attention like she did in 2017 to "enslave" the caretaker to her will and force her presence 7/24. But it could be her health failing as well she's 83 after all. Combine this with 6 days a week at work and high stress duel to it.

I knew her day would come one day, but for now, I imagined she'll grow to be 100 fueled by her toxic narcissism alone. Partly, I wished her just to .. not wake up... but seeing her wither away.. hurts, but the same, I want her to suffer more than I did. Why can't things be easy once?

I know she has driven any friends and relatives away she had. The care home staff despises her. I could say I was proven right. I never was the problem I was only blamed to be. My mind is split. I hate and loath her for how she mentally hurt and abused me, but part of me remains her loyal pet.

If this year can not get ay worse. Got a call from my mother's caretaker. She hasn't left her bed for 3 weeks and is eating less and less. My feelings are highly conflicted. I went no contact in 2017 for a reason and barely healed. See her a last time and vent my anger or let her die alone.

Überstunden machen ja gerne ..
Überstunden nehmen bitte nicht Überstunden auszahlen ja wo sind wir denn?
Und Anfang Dezember dann "sie haben noch 28 Tage rest Urlaub aber wegen der Auftragslage können wir keinen Urlaub gewähren der verfällt dann zum 1.1 ok??"

My apologies to all my friends out there who follow me here. This is not what you look for reading and I know some will dread me retelling old horror of my mother and her mistreatment and mental abuse but sadly this is part of me and why I am now how I am good and ill.

While this talk was very positive, I'm still shaking tears in my eyes. But the gutt punch was much less. I'm healing somehow slowly. For all its worth, my mother is in good health ....considering my luck, she'll haunt me till I'm 100. I'm 43 now. What a fun way to start a long weekend.

Just got an unexpected phone call on my landline, the newest caretaker of my mother. She wanted to ask if I could call my mother I in return, told her why I wouldn't. We had a lovely 1 hour talk. She now understands why I went no contact back then and fully supports me.

*plays jaws theme holding up a picture of a very grumpy gorilla*

20 minutes to weekend the week at work is almost over then this happend... a trip to the next town later im out of glasses for a week.... much fun to be had ... at least we have wonderful sunny weather.

It's never too late to fix things. Don't let fear and past trauma hold you back. It's an uphill struggle, but you can do it. The only thing you have to fear is fear itself.

When getting your dental work done is an achievement. 10 years ago, I reached a point where shame and fear prevented me from going to the dentist. Childhood mistreatment made me fear a dentist office. 3 months ago, I went to my dentist and started getting my teeth fixed. Today last tooth done.

I knew this was to happen sooner than later .. the core of this pc is from 2011 it served me well, but I guess it's time finally time to consider an update... so I'll have to check how to pull this build off in stepps .. my poor financial situation after ef isn't helping well time to save and plan.

Came home from work at 2 p.m., and I felt inspiration to update and extend the documents on the old firetrucks of our fire brigade. Sat down at my computer pushed the button... a slight sound of turning fans, then nothing... no beep screen doesn't light up... I guess it's time... sighns.

Hamburg at night can be stunning. So let's see what else is to discover the next 2 weeks in and around this magical city.

Welcome to the Club it's not souly you having this problem.