Steven David

I think I remember that day.

I once found a naked 80-year-old man in the dark. It wasn’t hard.

I did not know that.

Good morning.

Air fryers are just Easy-Bake ovens for adults.

I'm now at the age where "picking up a hottie at the club" means grabbing a rotisserie chicken at Sam's.

I'm so old that I can remember when " log on" meant throwing some wood on the fire.

I accidentally got locked inside a mirror shop last night.
Still, it gave me time to reflect.

I eat cake every day because it is somebody’s birthday somewhere!

Does anybody else sing in the car? I do, but only while I’m in reverse. I’m a backup singer.

So, I heard the company that makes yardsticks isn't going to make them any longer.

While in the store today, I overheard a lady saying she wants a man that takes her breath away. I farted and left her gasping for air.

Failed math so many times at school, I can’t even count.

I'm Tom Bodett, and we'll leave the light on for you.

Good morning.

Sometimes it takes me all day to do nothing.

I may be a 5 on a Florida beach, but I'm a solid 10 in an East Texas Walmart.

Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe.

I made some bad choices in life but I never bought a pair of crocs.

I went out in public and the public was actually there. The audacity.

I learned square dancing in 4th grade because you never know when a hoedown will break out.

They better not touch my Social Security as that is my money.

Irresponsible is when your neighbor doesn't pay their Wi-Fi bill.

The problem with talking to people on the phone is that they expect you to pay attention.

You know it was a rough day when your iPhone doesn't recognize your face.

Don't come to me for advice. We'll just end up sharing meds.

It is very hard for me to concentrate when I am in the same room with chocolate cake.

Good morning.

“I will eat 3 Oreos,” I say to myself, as I open the bag.