The Blaine Clause

Shesh and Pepper

i'm here to help

that's him officer

Appraiser touching a coat. Caption: coat that if touched loses all value $0-$0

Model plane. Caption: plane from when people were smaller $22,000-$30,000 (in big people money)

A mirror in which you can see the photographer. Caption: photographer trapped in mirror. $5,000-$6,000

Appraiser and man both laughing, looking at some weird bowls. Caption: bowls that make you laugh $350-$500

I'm feeling grumpy, so in an attempt to change that I am posting these old fake Antiques Roadshow pictures that make me laugh

Story Smash, a fun storytelling game show with two expert judges and also Blaine Capatch at the Lyric Hyperion Saturday Dec 6 at 7:30pm

i'm doing Story Smash this Saturday night at the Lyric Hyperion and it's always fun, please come if you can

my ten best movies of the 21st century:

The French Toaster
All About Shithead
Escape from Skechers Factory Outlet
Turduckenado
Quick Quick My Intestine
Big Throuple in Little China
Cereal Aisle Throwdown
Zagat Guide to Schenectady Area Kia Dealers
2 Wait 2 What
The French Toaster Meets Cloverfield

i hope they spell Zebra Popcornopolis correctly on my death certificate

Lululemon. Drawing attention to your body's moisture since 1998™

We'll get there fast, and then we'll take it slow
That's where we wanna go
Way down in Kokomo

Donate to Aid Klik in Restoring His Life and Home, organized by Charles Wilson Klik’s story. I’m Trying to Recover After Ongoing Violence Took My Home… Charles Wilson needs your support for Aid Klik in Restoring His Life and Home

please help one of my best friends on the planet avoid homelessness if you have anything to share today #givingtuesday gofund.me/9f76c12c5

Blaine and a squirrel switch bodies when a magic comet passes overhead but then they both get spooked by a dog and hit by cars... on an all-new BLAINE!

i've named my fists Holmes and Yo-Yo because one of them is a robot played by John Schuck

i am on this show

UPDATE: still fantastic, totally holds up

three tickets to Brazil at the Vista

saying goodbye to Tom Stoppard tonight

they say a dog's mouth is cleaner than a human's mouth but i'm still not putting my dick in one

thanks Matt! (falls into wedding cake)

a turducken is a chicken stuffed into a duck stuffed into a turd

they were only arrows in a very bad aim

Venmoing you some Icy Hot

the best way to deal with conservative family members on Thanksgiving is to spend the day somewhere else with people you like

devastated to hear my dear sweet friend Linda Pine died in a hit-and-run crash, i love you Linda

oh no

quick get MAD TV back on the air so i can pitch Jesus Fucking Christ Superstar

KEN

YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLD WHEN... you hurt your back simply by trying to move a huge desk by yourself!

thanks for coming! glad you liked it

thank you for the kind words and thanks for being there! i love that club

yep, that's me. we did this before he was captured and nobody knew what he looked like yet

i saw Jesus Christ appear on a tortilla last night, he said he was working out some new stuff for a Netflix special and they made everybody put their phones in a bag