Mike Rampton

benjamin button, dressing up as santa for the 13th year in a row:

“ugh im getting too young for this shit!”

How a very average pop-punk song taught me the meaning of Christmas Why one Kerrang! writer was emotionally stirred after stumbling across this innocuous Christmas song by an unfamiliar pop-punk band…

I wrote this fun thing a few years ago, about a really rubbish Christmas song that is awful but makes me cry. I just listened to it again and it still does it. It's bad! But it's sad! www.kerrang.com/how-a-very-a...

"I've moved to a town in south-east Hampshire."
"Havant?"
"Yes, I have actually."

SIMPLY HAVING A

the thing i hate most about people posting Spotify Wrapped is that none of them are about me or mention me

I shoplifted Midnight Vultures and wish I’d paid for it.

My best tip is to always, always be massively on edge and get as little quality sleep as possible. Minimal vitamins, and try to make sure you can never totally switch off and have fun.

What is an Australian's favourite Radiohead album? Kid A, mate! (G'day mate!) Hope you're having a lovely Tuesday evening pals, all the best

This is a good joke

who decided to call it Secret Santa when Nondisclosure Claus was right there

Obviously this is impossible because Alan Moore looks like he's genetically a wizard, it's simply impossible to imagine what he would look like as a schoolboy oh there he is.

There's a great book about graveyards called A Tomb With A View, by Peter Ross, that he (and Cross Bones) shows up in.

Great culture can save lives. Literally.

Amazing letter in today’s @thetimes.com about Tom Stoppard

For people in the plant business, Christmas is more than a holiday. It’s also an ivyday and a mistletoeday.

YouTube video by Mike Rampton 25 Shit Jokes About: Christmas!

It is December 1st, so here is six and a half minutes of brutally unfunny Christmas jokes by a younger, fitter me less beaten down by life. www.youtube.com/watch?v=oa2n...

Ohh, yeah, you're right. It's more like a Christmas film.

A Christmas joke.

Here is a poem about how my books There's No Such Thing As A Silly Question and Become A Genius In A Year would make excellent Christmas presents. They are available from all the usual websites, bookshops etc. Please buy them for your loved ones.

During my first degree I barely researched honey-based alcoholic drinks at all. Then I did meadier studies.

more mr. nice guy @juniorhoncho.bsky.social sure clowns may make me laugh so hard all day with their big floppy shoes and outrageous wigs and colorful makeup, and yeah they dazzle children of all ages with amazing balloon animals and honk basically the funniest horns in the whole world, some of em even get out of a small car. forgot my point February 15, 2025 at 2:30 AM

What's the difference between the least-bad element of a piece of bad news and Grand Moff Tarkin's wife on his birthday? One cushions the blow...

This is good stuff, would read.

I've done loads of fun Christmas writing. I ate dozens of advent calendars, analysed Die Hard and Home Alone in depth, asked Satanists about their plans and answered the question "Jingle bells, Batman smells, but of what?" This year, nothing. Bah humbug. I should probably have done some pitching.

[leonard cohen hallelujah voice] cowabunga

Mort is near enough to the beginning to feel like it's not skipping too much, and has a lot for a 13yo boy to enjoy. Loads of Death and a tiny bit of swearing were all I wanted from books at that age.

the cover of SOLVE THE WORLD'S GREATEST MYSTERIES. It's orange and shows a big magnifying glass looking at a bunch of pictures: an alien, a Yeti, Tutankhamun, a treasure chest, mysterious bones, a plane... It's illustrated by Gareth Conway and looks like so much fun.

This fun, knackering, mindblowing book, SOLVE THE WORLD'S GREATEST MYSTERIES, is coming out on May 7th 2026 from HarperCollins Children's Books. I went full bonkers writing it and am really excited about it coming out. It's orderable now! uk.bookshop.org/p/books/solv...

"Did you know a member of 5ive was taught to play a medieval stringed instrument by the star of Gone With The Wind?"
"Abz? A lute? Leigh?"
"Really? You knew Ritchie Neville took gittern lessons from Olivia de Havilland? How?"

Scientists recently combined DNA of a cheetah with the DNA of a crab.

Things went sideways real fast.

The cover of Become A Genius In A Year, written by me and illustrated by Gareth Williams, showing an enthusiastic young boy whose Genius-O-Meter has shot up from Low to WOAH! A fact a day to become a SUPERBRAIN!

The cover of There's no Such Thing As A Silly Question, written by me and illustrated by Guilherme Karsten, showing a small boy with an enormous speech bubble containing smelly cheese, a T.rex skeleton, a volcano, a penguin, toilet paper, a kite, a fishbowl and more. 213 weird questions, expertly answered!

Christmas is coming. A great van taught me that. If you have children to buy presents for, please consider these books I wrote. Both are fun, funny, fact-filled and great for both reluctant and enthusiastic readers. Become A Genius In A Year and There's No Such Thing As A Silly Question: buy them!

A SONG MY DAUGHTER ENJOYED
I wiggle my bum on a Thursday
And on a Friday too.
Saturdays, Sundays? Wiggle-your-bum days.
On Monday, I wiggle at you.
Tuesdays and Wednesdays I wiggle my bum
Then it's wiggle-bum Thursday again.
I wiggle it, wiggle it, wiggle it, wiggle,
With the other bum-wiggling men.