CEEFAUX

TOMORROW. 9AM. VIEWER'S COMPETITION SHORTLIST. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. IN SPACE NO-ONE CAN HEAR YOU IN SPACE. PART MAN PART MACHINE PART COP. I'M NOT SCARED OF ANY GHOSTS. I'LL COME BACK. HASTA ALTA VISTA. 65 MILLION YEARS FOR IT TO GET MADE. ETC

You alright Rob? You haven't been drinking out of that CEEFAUX mug you won by any chance? We warned you about that. #fordecorationonly #seekmedicalattentionimmediately

23.15 FILM: I WRITE TO SAY I AM AWRE OF THE INDISCRETIONS YOU MOST VIOLENTLY COMMITTED DURING THE WARM MONTHS IN THE YEAR PRECEEDING THE CURRENT ONE Posh period remake of the 1997 teen horror film.

14.55 FILM: JASON AND THE ARGOS NOUGHTS Classic adventure as the mythical hero finds that every item he wants from the catalogue-based retailed is showing zero stock.

Only a few days until we hand the reins over to our viewers and their INCREDIBLE suggestions. Lets hope they are better than this crap from us eh?

Go on then #wilty #mandelson #notprinceandrew #bobmortimerwouldstillbeatthem

21.00 FILM: CASINO ROYAL WITH CHEESE What they call that James Bond film in Paris.

Competition shortlist will be running next week. In the meantime you are stuck with us #manishotmarvinintheface

21.00 KIER AS FOLK Comedy-drama about the lives of a humble toolmakers son and his increasingly desperate attempts to pretend he didn't know what his friends have been up to. Warning: contains scenes of highly unbelievable excuses.

"Pressure mounts on the PM as even retro-whimsy social media account CEEFAUX lays into him." #KeirStarmer #MandelsonEpstein #spellingmatters

We're idiots. Sorry. DELETE DELETE.

Come back at 6pm...

21.00 FILM: DEATH ON DENIAL Hercule Poirot investigates a murder. No he doesn't.

19.353 YOU BETJEMAN A silence falls upon the room The hush, so quiet, as of a tomb Face still, hearts that yearn Lead by one: Stephen Mulhern He calms them now, a little joke The focus falls on Ken, from Stoke 40 sausages, in just a munte/ Can he eat them? Will he win it? Gnashers whirl, he staggers dizily "I can't look" says Holly Willoughby But no! all gone, No trace of meat. With a second left. A mighty feat! The crow erupts - a "A win! A win" Ken smiles, then sicks in a bin An advert break, and after that "Can a postman outrun a cat?"

We don't usually do requests, but this title was suggested and was just too good not to do

Digital chapeau

22.00 PEEP SHOW Sitcom about a careless shepherdess.

It’s CEEFAUX porn: (.) (.) V

Someone on Twitter suggested. We’d be more popular if we did porn. We tried our best…

We know it's a horrid place and that bad stuff goes on, but we kind of felt like giving up was letting the nasty people win. We get lots of messages from people still on the platform saying that they find us a bit of a respite and still have chums there who haven't come across here yet.

1930 YOU RANG, M'LORD MANDELSON? WELL, EMAILED REALLY, AND MET FACE TO FACE IN YOUR PANTS TOO Please note, this programme has now been cancelled.

Go on then

Like we say about Swindon - we agree, but there are still some nice people there who say they would miss us.

"Live, laugh, leak market sensitive information", that's what he said

We get it. We still get lovely messages from people on twitter telling us that (a) they aren't seeing our stuff for weeks on end and (b) they'd really miss us if we've gone. It's just becoming an exercise in shouting into the void most days.

Wasn't that your competition entry?

Picture of our post on twitter/X that reads: "We don't think we're controversial or nasty or anything, but recently it seems that we're getting hardly any likes, comments or any kind of engagement here. It could be that we aren't funny, but there's 14k following this account and 0.005% of them interested. Do we pack it in?"

Over on twitter/X/whatever, we seem to be reaching fewer and fewer people. 14k followers and next to now interaction now. Maybe we'll just pack that in and just stay here.

21.00 TAGG-ART ATTACK The gritty Scottish detectives face their toughest case when a victim's body is pulled apart and then laid out on a beach before realising that, if they at it from above, it makes a lovely picture of a happy fish.

22.00 FILM: BASIC INSTINCT 10 PRINT "SHARON STONES IS GUILTY"; 20 GOTO 10 RUN

Spoilers

OUR COMPETITION IS NOW CLOSED - thank you for the hundreds of entries. We will review them all this week, create a shortlist, probably have a stuffed crust pizza, and then start showcasing the very best from next Monday. Brilliant effort all round, although one of them did make us physically sick.

Entering the final stretch now, lots of great entries, a few we've either done before or have been suggested, and one that we absolutely cannot understand whatsoever, with even our cryptology and linguisitics team (Keith) stumped. Keep them coming until 9.58am tomorrow!

Dozens and dozens of entries and some of them actually quite good. You've got just under 23 hours to send us your best listing or two or three. Could you be a comedy genius?
And, yes, the rude ones are funny but totally unpublishable - you know who you are.

Well, since we launched last night we have had some ABSOLUTE ENTRIES. You've got the weekend to show us your stuff (not like that). Make us laugh, make others laugh, maybe win an prize? Might this be your first step to worldwide fame and adoration?

We're over on twitter. Just send in what you've got - if we did it before but you did it funnier then we might post it. And then track you down. And then destroy you. Or not.

We laughed out loud and then cursed that we didn't come up with one of them!