CEEFAUX

22.00 FILM: EVRI-THING, EVRI-WHERE ALL AT ONCE. Award-winning multiverse adventure when you parcel is somehow at the depot, in transit, in your safe place, left with a neighbour, delayed, returned to sender, in your green bin, all at the same time- but never actually with you.

22.30 FILM: GOODGELLAS Martin Scorcese's gangster epic performed entirely by amateur ventriloquists.

Gappy goosday

19.300 CHARLIE'S ANGLES More action, adventure and basic trigonometry with the girls. This week's episode: A-cute case of poisoning.

It's #mathsmonday

20.00 KEEPING UP WHATSAPPEARANCES Hyacinth fumes when she can see that the Vicar has read her note, the two little blue ticks are there, and that every time she types her full name a bucket emoji rather than the bunch of flowers emojoi appears. Also, Richard's status is set to 'But Hyacinth...'

In honour of #patriciaroutledge #richarddddddd #itspronouncedCEEFO

22.45 FILM: DIE HARDY When terrorists take over an LA skyscraper that they don't count on being somehow thwarted by one fat man with a little moustache who has ended up covered in ink, paint and tar and sawdust and keeps hitting his head and going 'dooohhhhh' and blaming his thin English friend.

Merry Christmas

21.00 LINE OF DUTY FREE Pursuing a lead at Manchester's Terminal One, Ted declares "I'm interested in one thing, and one thing only, and that's industrial sized Toblerones. And maybe cheap bottles of Gin. On, and do you have any overpriced M&M's tins?"

Mother of God, it's Thursday

21.00 FILM: NOTTING BENNY HILL. After he spills coffee all over her, Hugh Grant is chased around a posh London location at 10 times normal speed by Julia Roberts in a bra. Warning: some sax scenes.

Happy birthday Hugh Grant! Admittedly it was last month, but we've been busy, sorry.

21.00 FILM: FORREST GIMP Tom Hanks plays the submissive hero who goes by the motto "Mmmm mm mmmm m mmm mm mmmmmmmm".

Bring out the new listing

15.00 LIVE: THE SHAUN RYDER CUP 2023 Coverage of the prestigious events which sees the Happy Mondays front man attempt to get through three days without twisting his melons.

Happy memories from 2023 #rydercup

22.00 FILM: CHILDREN OF MEH Distinctly average story about a something or other. TBH I was my phone during it, couldn't really say what happened. It was OK I guess, passed me by really.

22.00 FILM: With Edward Norton and Brad Pitt.

Yes! Defo something coming soonish probably possibly - hope that clears things up.

17.30 GARTH MERENGHI'S A DARKPLACE IN THE SUN Maurice and Sheila has £350,000 to buy a Spanish property. But why did they choose Casa Del Muerto (literally Spanish for 'House of the Dead'). Why pick a house that drips with red cells, white cells, platelets and plasma (i.e. blood). It was a choice they would live to regret, although not for long as they were swallowed by a Perro del Demonio (Devil Dog - also Spanish).

Happy Friday...if you can

17,45 WORDLE GUMMIDGE Listing in the form of WORDLE puzzle, innit. SWAPS HEADS STOOD STILL SCARE CROWS Quite hard to explain on ALT-TEXT, sorry, so sorry.

You can get cream for that

It's a listing for the film BIG, you know, the one where a boy wishes he was 'Big' and wakes up as Tom Hanks the next day. Anyway, enough of that, the listing is zoomed in really tight so you can hardly read it because it's the LISTING that has got big. Brilliant eh? TBH, now we've written it out we're not sure it's that funny really. We'd probably delete it if we hadn't spent ages writing all this down.

22.00 FILM: SHALLOW GRAVY Three flatmates must hide a dead body in a limited supply of Bisto. Please note, this film contains stock footage.

19.00 THE F ALL GUY Lee Majors stars as the man who does absolutely nothing.

21.00 UNEXPECTED ITEM IN THE FLEABAGGING ARE Turns to camera "To be honest, I think we all know the 'item' in question is absolutely expected when it comes to that area."

18.05 DR WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY? Sci-fi series that appears to now just be being made up as they go along (knowing wink at audience).

#doctorwho #amillionpointstotonyslattery

16.00 FILM: THE LION, THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE MALFUNCTION. Classic children's adventure tale, ruined by Aslan's tits.

Don't look Mr Tumnus

No, he went on to do much funnier and critically acclaimed stuff than our rubbish (looks at phone waiting for Charlie to call, cries)

22.30 THE SUMMER I TURNED PRITI PATEL Belly can't choose between either Conrad or Jeremiah, so she decides to have both of them deported to Rwanda on an illegal flight.

Go on then #thesummeriturnedpretty

21.00 Q-EYETEST This listing is in the form of an eyetest chart which, if you read it from top to bottom spells out: IS IT BLUE WHALE? ASKS ALAN DAVIES

KLAXON!

19.15 FILM: HOW TO DRAIN YOUR DRAGON. Deeply hideous tale about removing pus-filled blisters and abscesses from mythical winged beasts.

Sorry...

"Bastard Scone?"

17.00 FILM: SCONE WITH THE WIND Film with a name that only works successfully as punt around half of the UK. 21.00 GAME OF SCONES TV show with a name that only works successfully as a pun in the other half of the UK.

Do let us know if you say 'scone' or 'scone'

22.00 STEPHEN KING'S IT HELPDESK Terrifying horror about a group of friends who attempt to defeat an ancient shapeshifting devil by turning if off for 30 seconds and then back on again. If that won't sort it they will need to log a call I'm afraid.

It's #scarymonday (something we just made up)

18.15 FREADS Ambitious mash-up of the horrific nuclear war drama and the hit NYC sitcom. Joey's date goes wrong when all his hair falls out due to radiation sickness. Meanwhile, Rachel's search for the perfect hazmat suit seems over. And Phoebe kills Ross with a hammer after he tries to steal her potato rations.

Continuing our E4 comedy weekend

21.30 HOW I MET YOUR MOTHRA Godzilla-based sitcom

Next up on our E4 comedy weekend