Angry People in Local Newspapers

Manchester EveningNews FOUL MOUTHED PARROT ON LOOSE.

“Who’s a ****ing pretty boy then you ****ing ****ers?”

Row erupts in Southampton over Itchen Bridge being lit up in Pompey colours Civic leaders have been accused of ignoring safety advice over plans to install adaptable lights on the Itchen Bridge.

Of course the council caving in to one bloke moaning about lights on a bridge being the colours of a neighbouring city’s football team was only going to get stupider.

And because of a lack of oil-based products, no lube.

“Oh, yeah. Oooh, ahhh, that's how it always starts. Then later there's running and screaming.”

Council comment on public safety after another car 'stuck on sand' at beach Another car was seemingly stuck on the beach near Boscombe pier, with the council calling on the public to use the 'conveniently located' car parks.

Is it me, or does Cars Stuck On The Beach season start earlier every year?

Aerial view of an LNG tanker on a news story about gas prices. It looks like a huge erect penis.

It’s funny because it looks like a man’s pink oboe.

Residents slam 'incompetent' council after getting dozens of the same letter Brighton and Hove residents have received multiple garden waste collection fee letters from the council, despite having paid the fee already.

Regret to report that those pencil-necked desk jockeys at the council are at it again, encouraging recycling by creating as much waste paper as possible.

B&B has soap stolen from toilets four times in as many months The Dial House in Reepham has been hit by soap thieves four times in as many months.

If a chap comes up to you in the pub and offers you posh soap at a ridiculously cheap price, that number again is nine hundred and ninety nine. Don’t have nightmares

Daily Mail + I'm trapped and under attack in Dubai - while back home in Chichester my daughters are furious, the labradoodles are sick and, worst of all, I left my Mounjaro pen in the fridge.

We don’t do the Daily Mail, except in those very rare circumstances when they print something so ridiculous we just have to put it up here. And today is one of those days.

David Morgan-Hewitt, a very large man, with Queen Elizabeth, a very small monarch.

You will most likely remember him as this chap, a particular friend of the late Queen, and an absolute unit.

Daily Telegraph: My Dubai brunch was interrupted by Iranian missiles. As alarms cried out and explosions echoed, the impeccable hotel staff kept calm and carried on. Picture shows hotelier David Morgan-Hewitt

I won’t hear a word against David Morgan-Hewitt, and this is peak keeping the British end up.

Note: Somebody once complained about the way we signpost puns, so now we’re never going to stop.

Couple say they've been treated unfairly after mushroom farm plan rejected Evie Dimarco and Matthew Hopkins, from Pershore, bought a plot of land in the village of Pensham, to start a mushroom and pig farm

Well, they seem to be (oh-ho!) FUNGIS (FUN GUYS!) to be with!!!!!!1

Drunk driving instructor crashes car into ditch on way to a lesson Timothy Howells was four times over the limit in his driving school-marked VW Polo when he careered the vehicle off the A484 between Pembrey to Kidwelly, Carmarthenshire

You can’t park there mate (and frankly very lucky not to be parked inside HM Prison)

BBC News: Horse in stable condition after river rescue.

I see what they did there.

Brazen thief steals Edinburgh dad's gates from garden 'then offers £50 compo' Daniel Lewandowski paid £1,500 for the one-of-a-kind gates.

He couldn’t get rid of them. Couldn’t find a fence.

Essex Chronicle: GIRL WITH EYEPATCH CALLED A PIRATE BY TEACHER.

Later, at the disciplinary hearing:

“Why did you say that kids with eyepatches are pirates?”
“Because they arrrrrrr”

Woman breaks both feet when heel on shoe bought on Shein snaps Party-goer claims she broke both her feet when her Shein heel snapped at a 21st birthday

Shein? Shite, more like #MoreLike

'Travelling on First Bus buses has become a nightmare experience' TRAVELLING on First Bus buses has become a nightmare experience. The buses are filthy and you cannot see out of the windows.

Things which are now woke no. 37,523: Announcements on buses that you can actually hear.

Amazing.

Did you hear about the time Michael Fabricant tried to cross the border into Colombia with baggies full of Coffee Mate? news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england...

Clydebank Post: Concerns over confidence in policing after milk snatcher and break-in incidents.

THATCHER.

Dame Mary Berry 'frightened' after being arrested at US border Great British Bake Off star Dame Mary Berry was 'frightened' after being arrested at the US border.

Thirty years ago, luggage stuffed with baggies containing cake ingredients. Lovely bit of clickbait, that.

And 🎵Your own portable Jesus 🎶 was staring me in the face.

BBC Guernsey: Instructor calls for "stronger checks" on driving schools. A driving instructor, late middle age, looks only a tiny bit like Jim out off of Friday Night Dinner, but has a look on his face that says “Hello Jackie, you look nice”.

Why am I getting strong Jim out off of Friday Night Dinner vibes here? To be fair, he totally would be a driving instructor on Guernsey.

On old woman called my baby a knob - I refused to laugh it off.

Brb, just off to call a baby a dickhead.

This is so funny.

“He heard we were looking for Jesus and came to us" - Bald Jesus nails down a new role A BALD Jesus will have his last supper tonight after being poached from a rival crucifixion.

“Nails down new role”

Brighton Argus: JESUS STOLEN BY RIVAL PASSION PLAY.

“Crucifixion? Line on the left, one cross each”

‘I was flabbergasted’: Council under fire again for ticketing broken-down bus at bus stop A council has come under fire again after a traffic warden handed a parking ticket to another broken-down bus at a bus stop.

Hams Travel, the bus service for gammon. Little bit of politics there, my name’s been Ben Elton goodnight.

Aussie sports headline: NO CUMMING FOR A MONTH. A footballer called Sam Cumming has a shoulder injury.

That’s a bit harsh on the lad.