Remember the good old days when screams meant ice cream was involved and not just the terror of daily existence in an increasingly bizarre and incomprehensible world?
The local police force just purchased 2,000 bees
They will be used in a sting operation
stressed, depressed, and underdressed
If I could disappear in a puff of smoke at will, that is literally all I would ever do.
My new motto is “Luckily, nothing matters.”
Please don't think the Ides of March is about stabbing people to death. That's incredibly reductive. It's about stabbing people to death as a team, as a community.
BREAKING: Taylor Swift announces relaxing of schedule, changes name to Taylor Moderate Pace.
hoping to take home the Oscar this evening in the category of Not Watching The Oscars
follow me tonight for insightful oscar commentary like “hey, it’s that one guy. he was in the movie about a ghost or maybe it was a dog”
not Friday the 13th or the Ides of March but a secret third horrible day
Killing people and destroying things “just for fun” is psychopathic behavior and even saying it is something only a psychopath would do and every U.S. news organization should be shouting that from the rooftops. Editors: Rise to the challenge of truth-telling or make room for someone who will.
“The President hosted his second MAGA Inc. fundraiser in two weeks on Saturday night at Mar-a-Lago, partying and picking deep pockets, as much of the Middle East goes up in flames and misery.”
the dipshit brigade currently ruining everything is always posting about how they want to go back to ancient roman times
and on this, the ides of march, maybe they should sit and think about what that would actually mean for a second
Can we at least all agree that Trump’s strategy of insulting as many allies as possible before starting his war against Iran is not going well at all?
Genie: I can grant you anything you imagine. What is your wish?
Me: I'm afraid to fly. Build me a bridge from Florida to London.
Genie: I'm not saying I can't but that's damn near impossible. Anything else?
Me: Okay, get a CNN reporter to ask an effective follow-up question.
Genie: 2 lane or 4?
This Canadian premier just accused Donald Trump of starting the Iran war to cover up the Epstein Files Do not stop talking about the Epstein files.
I was always in the wrong demographic for Speed Racer, I’ve always just assumed it had something to do with amphetamines.
two weeks left in the quarter and I’ve already hit my quota of shitposts
I’ve been scratching my ass all day. The old ones say that means foul weather is a-comin
math professors love going off on tangents hahaha why don’t i have any friends
snuck into the oreo factory and sucked all of the white stuff out of the cookies causing Panic! at Nabisco
RIP Julius Caeser. You would've loved being given credit for a salad you had nothing to do with.
Kamala Harris was not a perfect candidate. No candidate ever has been perfect. But every day I wake up proud of voting for her & regretting her loss. As more Americans die for a madman, more people are abused/murdered & our world is upended…I wish the biggest complaint I heard was about a “cackle”.
Trump is the worst President since Trump.
totally get what olivia nuzzi saw in him because i too enjoy a man who can smash the fuck outta some twinkies
Al Gore. Hillary Clinton. Kamala Harris.
Just think where our country - and the world - would be today if the people who’d won their elections had been allowed to win their elections.
Can’t. I’m 3-D printing several hundred spines to ship to Congress.
The President shouldn't be a cheerleader for Big Oil companies making fatter profits while Americans pay higher gas prices.
We should tax windfall oil profits from Trump's war against Iran and give relief to American families instead.
These people are creepy, childish and just weird as shit and we should say it all the time.
Having a hard time believing this ides of March story, you're telling me senators did something other than send out fundraising texts
