Slaughthie

Just got a haircut that will ensure that whoever falls in love with me will truly love me for who I am

It’s just like, a green onion? Get it out of here

Someone’s gotta say it- scallions should be a more badass food

Sometimes I get bummed when I’m not invited to things but then I’ll think about it and damn they were right, I definitely would have killed that vibe

I believe that the technology to text our dogs exists and is being withheld

TWENTY FIVE are you insane??!

[my 36 year old ass] hey mom it’s me again, just calling to ask if I should date a 28 year old? Okay love you call me back

Anytime someone has said “she ate” the she was me and the ate was a chicken leg

Honestly I am exactly the kind of girl who gives up just like that

Why everyone is honking at me is none of my business

Idk you guys, I just used a food processor and I think we’re being a little too trusting of our kitchen appliances

Anyone else thinking about how we as humans produced like 16 billion pairs of skinny jeans and then someone was like we shouldn’t wear those any more

Now what’s a blueberry like you doing on a sidewalk like this

While in Peru I saw this caterpillar that really said 🐛

Closing my eyes and hoping for the best at every four way stop

I saw a bright light and awoke in a sterile white room. i couldn't move. an un-marmot figure hovered above me manipulating my body with strange devices. i swear i'm not making this up. it happened.

Introducing myself as an ethical monogamist to ethical non monogamists just to see how it goes

You arrive at the coffee shop, 7:30am on the dot as the mysterious note you found on your bedside table instructed. To complete the final task you call out “Boobert? Is there a Boobert here?” Everyone’s eyes shift to you and in perfect unison they all say “yes”

Going to the bathroom. Not to pee just to be.

$0.40

WARDEN: and for your last meal?

ME: everlasting gobstopper

WARDEN: son of a

I’ll give you a dollar if you name your kid lewferd

[mid sob] thanks for coming to my ted tak

Please excuse me while I experience this emotion

I’ll let you guys have a great day

Did u buy a blue car bc ur sad?

Doctor please, my homies, they’re sick

Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings

You arrive at the coffee shop, 7:30am on the dot as the mysterious note you found on your bedside table instructed. To complete the final task you call out “Boobert? Is there a Boobert here?” Everyone’s eyes shift to you and in perfect unison they all say “yes”