Perniciosa

I’m not perfect and I hate it. I hate letting people down. I had one task, in exchange for busting my ass I just got a scolding and after that, a proof that the scolding was well deserved. I hate myself for pouring so much effort into everything, but I don’t know how to be different.

I’m helping my landlord (also housemate) with her birthday party and I’ll be doing face painting for that day (is a recreation of her 6th birthday). Man, I was manic when I promised her to do it and now I feel sad so I don’t feel like it.

I’ll do it either way because I REALLY like her.

Feeling so empty that not even dick could fill me up. Womp womp

Two nights ago it finally happened. Something in my brain snapped and… I’m not okay with it. Maybe if I was wiser this would be a conversation, but I’m not wise, I’m not strong enough to have that conversation just yet.

I used to love weed but recently I resent it a lot.

I finally have my makeup bag w me again! aaaa. I can doll up a little and feel better :)

Sometimes I see people in apps (Reddit, Instagram, here or TL) struggling and I wish I could reach out and help soothe the wound, but people struggle differently and some don’t want it. I respect it, even when it has not been expressed.

I’m afraid one day I’ll regret not reaching out.

I made myself sick with all this “hope”

When I don’t do something about it I just feel trapped and when I have manic episodes EVERYTHING comes to the surface three times worse.

I wish more people would talk about how destructive this part of BPD is because I’m tired of dealing with it.

No “cure” for it. Even after therapy, even after practicing coping mechanisms, it feels incredibly… debilitating.
Stigmas around it make it hard to swallow too.

“So, are you going to cheat on me?”
“So, I’m not good enough for you?”
“So, our sex is bad? That’s why you want more to compensate?”

Hyper-sexuality is a symptom of BPD, not in all the cases but it is strongly related to impulsivity and relationship instability. I spent a whole chunk of my teenage years feeling like this “symptom” was the hardest one to deal with, it brings in insecurity, fear of abandonment, self doubt and etc.

I’m so upset hahah, and hell, I know why but talking about it won’t solve ANYTHING.

Never heard about the tag but welp :(

Thiissss. I hate when people get mad at me because I’m analyzing the plot/director thought process while creating a scene 🥲

Certified white boy lover.

I’m obsessed with finding people from Australia online lol, there are so many content creators and interesting people living close to me lmao

Fri Y A Y

Finally back in BlueSky but only because I can post nsfw mwahahahahahahahahahahaha

I gave everyone too much access to my thoughts and it’s for sure time to break the habits. <3

And I’m not saying I’m the best or whatever, just saying that it would work on me and sometimes I need somebody than can give me attention and to actually be interested in what I feel. Empties “oh, that’s so bad” are killing me slowly.

I’m feeling awful today. Sometimes I wish I had people around me that acted like me, I can’t see somebody hurting, even when they are reluctant to talk, I’m there to offer them silence and attention for when they are ready. I’m always just encountered with people ignoring me and brushing it off.

I feel like I’m yelling at an empty void every time I talk to somebody about my feelings and struggles, and I’m starting to avoid it.

+and here? Nobody knows me.

And I’m filled with questions tonight and honestly I feel like I needed a good cry. I miss my country, but I don’t feel the coldness in my heart, I don’t miss feeling left out.

I only miss the idea of being missed, but nowadays I understand that I’m not. Back “home” nobody remembers me+

Ended up crying because going away hurts, but it hurts more when nobody cares. My heart is a mess tonight.

Honestly I’ve just been feeling lonely. I have no desire of doing anything, so far I’ve failed myself a thousand times already. I’m sick.

I want to spend my whole paycheck on socks bc wtf 😭 MY FEET ARE COLD MAN

I just want to be desired. That’s it, my rant for tonight. Gn ✨

I’m installing The Sims while my internet can’t do more than 1MB/s 😎 amazing

Me and AusPost are finally on good terms 🤝 I love them now, MWAH.