It'll be an IFundU
05.03.2026 04:39 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0It'll be an IFundU
05.03.2026 04:39 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0
Captain of the Titanic: Oh shit, that was a titanic mistake.
*turns head towards camera*
It shocks me that people don't realize that in the song "The Gambler," the narrator poisons The Gambler with his last "swallow" of "whiskey" (it's poison) and robs him.
05.03.2026 03:43 — 👍 24 🔁 4 💬 4 📌 0I know I would hit Stephen Miller so hard it would break my hand, but that's what insurance is for.
05.03.2026 03:33 — 👍 82 🔁 5 💬 3 📌 1I once split a bar tab with LL Cool J
05.03.2026 03:08 — 👍 62 🔁 2 💬 7 📌 0Susan Collins is very concerned that she just approved the death of many more people. She is definitely going to take this under advisement.
04.03.2026 23:13 — 👍 55 🔁 5 💬 3 📌 2Although generally everybody is or should be doing these things, I think we all know a few people who should not be either kung-fu fighting or cutting footloose.
04.03.2026 22:33 — 👍 56 🔁 13 💬 4 📌 0Alternate universe dads turn the lights ON when you leave the room.
04.03.2026 22:31 — 👍 34 🔁 7 💬 1 📌 1All the hits, including "We have credible reports that they were on the verge of having WMDs."
04.03.2026 21:25 — 👍 198 🔁 26 💬 5 📌 1
I will now re-create what I was singing at the top of my lungs along to this song in the car:
🎶SOMEBODY TOLD ME
THAT I WAS A BOYFRIEND
OR WAS A GIRLFRIEND
I SAW YOU LAST FEBRUARY OF LAST WEEK
I'M NOT CONTINENTAL
I NEVER SAW "YENTL"
A-RUSHING AROUND
Not a big "correct lyrics" guy.
FINE ONE MORE
04.03.2026 20:24 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 1 📌 0I mean...
04.03.2026 20:17 — 👍 0 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0I just know my soulmate out there also never leaving their house.
27.02.2026 19:47 — 👍 130 🔁 48 💬 0 📌 2
ME: *orders in fluent French to impress you*
WAITER: Sir, this is a Japanese restaurant.
ME: ¡Dios mío!
LIFE: Listen, we can do this the hard way, or...
ME: Hard way!
LIFE: Let me finish. We can do this the hard way, or...
ME: Hard way!
LIFE: FINE HAVE IT YOUR WAY!
gold
04.03.2026 20:07 — 👍 3 🔁 0 💬 1 📌 0
me: if i had kids, i’d be such a helicopter mom
you: you DO have kids
me: WHAT
ok then
04.03.2026 20:06 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0OK people, enough is enough, stop cloning Jim Carrey and get back to work
04.03.2026 19:51 — 👍 32 🔁 4 💬 4 📌 1All of them, baby
04.03.2026 18:28 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0Great point
04.03.2026 17:03 — 👍 5 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0Anyone who does that, they should come take your kids away
04.03.2026 13:54 — 👍 2 🔁 0 💬 1 📌 0
How I left Twitter
14.06.2023 19:54 — 👍 1299 🔁 212 💬 22 📌 14I woke up mad at how dumb everything is again
04.03.2026 13:32 — 👍 424 🔁 44 💬 15 📌 1I love a good cordoning too
04.03.2026 03:02 — 👍 8 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0Ayatollah this wassa gonna happen 🤌
04.03.2026 01:43 — 👍 75 🔁 9 💬 4 📌 0
The Gary Larson cartoon of all of the general sitting around with one of the generals with his hands behind his head and the caption says on the other hand gentleman what if we made no preparations whatsoever
I guess we'll find out
04.03.2026 01:40 — 👍 150 🔁 17 💬 0 📌 0Lost a lot of followers, I can't blame them
04.03.2026 01:39 — 👍 3 🔁 0 💬 1 📌 0
Article about Billy Idol that says Billy Idol 70s says smoking crack help him quit using heroin it worked
Article from the onion that says my anti-drug is alcohol
You have to go with what works for you.
03.03.2026 23:47 — 👍 82 🔁 10 💬 0 📌 3
Bluesky went down for me for over an hour and I had to find other things to do. Long story short,
WE'RE GETTING MARRIED!!!