Abraham Piper

In the same way that “you aren’t stuck in traffic, you are traffic,” you can’t owe or pay a debt to society. You are society.

I’m not always the best at counterfactuals, but something I 100% know I wouldn’t do if I were in your shoes is go barefoot.

I have no idea what I mean by this, but December 26 doesn’t feel like a real day.

The your-wife-should-have-stuff-in-her-stocking-too discourse on threads today enlightened me to the fact there are adults with stockings.

I had no idea that was a thing.

I’ve never put anything in my wife’s stocking, because, as The Ladies’ Man said about his car, her stocking…doesn’t exist.

But…but…isn’t that second sentence a hypothetical??

Some backyard shenanigans now that we finally have snow.

✨10 Words That People Who Learn Everything From Reading Say…Interestingly✨

1. Misled
2. Epitome
3. Quinoa
4. Cache
5. Worcestershire
6. Hyperbole
7. Albeit
8. Debris
9. Awry

and

10. Voila! The list is done.

Come along for more if you feel like it. 😆👋

(N.B. – This joke assumes a formerly ticking second hand. If it used to move continuously, the clock is wrong ♾️-2.)

A broken clock is wrong 86,398 times a day.

Enough for me to be reminded that one of the prevailing myths surrounding him is founded on a barbaric notion of justice that assumes 1) I’m morally deficient, and 2) this deficiency can only be resolved by killing me (or someone else, if that’s my preference)?

Yes, it’s enough for that. (3/3)

Enough for me to appreciate him at the level several religions do? No, not really. (2/3)

A post came across my feed that said “Jesus died on the cross for you. Isn’t that enough?”

Of course, the question comes to mind — “Enough for what?” (1/3)

Jesus is on everybody’s side. What are the odds?!

I don’t take Jesus that seriously, but at least I admit it. 🤷‍♀️

I don’t think I know of anybody who takes him very seriously apart from where his reported words and actions align with what they believe anyway.

Saw someone complaining about how their memory foam mattress has permanent indentations. Sounds like maybe they actually wanted a dementia foam mattress.

Apparently, I decided to include a review from my son when I froze tonight’s dinner a few months ago.

The people with dramatically strong opinions about cyber trucks are going to be one of the main reasons it goes down in history.

One reason to try to get rich is to reduce your chances of having to go to heaven.

I don’t know if anyone else has the same algorithm as me, but this app has me trained to assume this is a hyperrealistic embroidery.

Close-up of a black combat boot on a hardwood floor.

I picked up some combat boots yesterday... There’s a date on them: August, 1966. And a name: Martin M. G—.

It took about 10 seconds to find him. He’s 79 and lives 11 miles from me.

Am I going to do anything with this information? Not practically, no. But I do like a boot with an ethos…

The dog’s shampoo says it was not tested on animals, but, like, surely it was at SOME point.

A Penn State and a Minnesota gopher football player. The two teams face off today.

Our family is divided in today’s contest. Pray for us.

And then, from this haphazardly selected vantage point, they construct an entire belief system; they call it objective; and then the rest of us are supposed to comply.

No thanks.

But eventually on this quest back in time, the purist and the moralizer have to arbitrarily pick a point to call “the beginning,” otherwise they’ll just end up looking eternally into the past for an infinitely distant cause.

Both types of people look backward for the beginning or the cause of a thing — a time when things were supposedly neutral and have since been perverted.

Not to be over serious about it on a Saturday morning, but in this sense, language purism is a bit like a belief in moral responsibility. 🤔 (1/…)

Language purists don’t actually have anything pure to preserve. They just prefer the previous contaminants.

Anyway. Thanks for reading. As always, if you like being told that the way you speak English is perfectly fine, come along. I got more. 👋🙏

All this to say, “irregardless” is a perfectly sensible and even creative word.

Is it nonstandard? Yes.

But all that means is that you have to be careful using it because some people will judge you. Which of course says nothing bad about you and only bad things about them. 🤷‍♀️

“So it’s a useless, unnecessary word,” the grumbler might continue.

To which I say,

“Listen, buddy, by that measure all synonyms are useless and unnecessary, but if you wanna come for my synonyms you’re gonna have to pry them from my…

✨frigid deceased paws✨.”