MaximumTravis

I’ve been neglecting you my babies

I just discovered a song called “cumgirl8”. And when I typed it just now my phone tried to autocorrect it to “cuties”.

I’m more caffeine now than man.

Somebody once told me
The world is gonna vampire
I ain’t the sharpest tool set to drain

‪🎶 I wear my headphones all the time‬
‪So I can, so I can‬
‪Pretend I can’t hear you when you speak 🎵 ‬

Complete bullshit that I haven’t won the lottery yet.

How has no one at PEZ decided to load the damn dispensers before selling them? I don't want to do work to eat my candy.

And you know what? I don't. I eat that shit straight out of the wrapper

Mark Zuckerberg pregnant this, Mark Zuckerberg pregnant that.

Why not me? My clock is ticking.

Ah man, I pretty much only ever say stupid shit

14 years ago I took this beautiful picture. The last stock of original full caffeine Four Loko that my local liquor store would ever carry. It almost brings a tear to my eye.

I wish I could explain to my pets what garbage is. To them there’s only food and toys, and toys are just food that takes a little longer to eat.

New year, nude me

Just because I understood the assignment doesn’t mean I’m actually any good at it.

It doesn’t matter how often I read “gc” my brain is never going to see the words “group chat”. All I can see is “game cube”

Don’t forget to leave out a glass of protein shake and a present under your tree for Travis Claus who comes every December 29th to celebrate the birth of the most important man in your life: me.

PayPal: @MaximumTravis
Venmo: @MaximumTravis
Cashapp: $MaximumTravis

All I want for Christmas is you(r butthole)

When you work on Christmas you wear a sweater. This is the most Christmasy one I have.

12 years ago for Christmas my parents got me Sweet Corn and Buffalo Wing flavored soda.

They were both disgusting

No one said you have to get YOUR true love almost 200 birds and also several human people for Christmas, that’s just what the person’s true love in the song got THEM.

I’ll never forget the time I was complaining to my dad about something going wrong in my life and he says:

“That’s life son, sometimes it sucks.
Actually let me rephrase that
That’s life son, SOMETIMES it’s okay”

It really stuck with me and kind of explains a lot of my outlook on life.

Stranger I met at work: hey, what do you wear like a size 12 or 13?

Me: …yeah, either or depending on the brand.

Stranger: and it looks like you have pretty wide feet too. Are you flat footed?

Me (in my head): this MF is about to ask for feet pics isn’t he?

Is there any reason pizza has crust other than tradition? Surely we have the technology to make the toppings go all the way to the edge by now. And I don’t want to hear about some one off pizza that some pizza company did. Why is it not the standard to have toppings go to the edge?

My mom: Hey son, are you busy? I need your help with something important.

30 seconds later

Me: what’s up?

…4 days later

Mom: what was the name of the actor from Quantum Leap?

I don’t know what this means but I had a dream last night that I had the option of going anywhere for dinner, but I chose Arby’s.

Hypothetically, what do you think would happen if I put a few scoops of pre workout in with the coffee in the coffee maker?

How do the Mario Kart racers get to rainbow road in the first place? Does Lakitu take them all there? That seems like a long way.

I don’t know her name but I’ll never forgive the girl at a house party years ago who offered me a shot of “whiskey” but when I took the shot it turned out to be Fireball.

Like yeah I guess she’s technically correct, but who the fuck calls it that?

Does “asl” still mean “as hell”? I know for sure it doesn’t mean “age/sex/location” anymore. I just want to make sure I do Cyber Monday correctly.

Charcuterie boards seem like such an inefficient way of eating all that food. I want a little bit of everything in every bite. That’s why I crush it all up and eat it out of a cereal bowl with a spoon.

Why does this keep happening to me? There is a man at this Starbucks currently playing music from his phone at full volume, while the Starbucks has its own music playing. I’m about to commit a felony.