oyster / b

yeah, it's probably my nervous system speedrunning the stages of grief ig. not the first time it's happened but guess we're doing it all over again

and yeah, again, friends, i know. but it's not the same thing. i love them to death and appreciate them more than i could even begin to put into words. but they're not my parents. ig that's what i miss. the idea of mom and dad, and the fact that neither of mine just never cared.

of my life without my parents. and yeah, it's a decision i made, but not one i wanted to make. it just had to be done. it's not even that i miss them or talking to them or whatever. ig it's more just realizing that i was alone all along.

don't know if it's just the midnight blues or what but suddenly feels like i'm all alone in the world. i know i'm not, i have friends who love and care for me on levels much deeper than i'd ever imagined. but at the same time, it's really starting to sink in that i'm really going to spend the rest

you want to go outside bc first it won't budge to let you out and then it won't close and lock properly 😭 or staying up at night bc you need to tend the fire as long as you can

i mean it certainly has its charm but also imagine having to do the dishes and all you're getting from the tap is ice cold water 😭 going to the shower and it's lukewarm at best. all the doors get so swollen that you barely can open or close them and you've got to fight with the front door when

but hey at least my fucked up lungs are loving the humid air so 🤷‍♀️

healing. but damn keeping this house warm when it's -20° and the air is fucking humid bc of the sea is a fucking full day struggle. oh you just had the fire going for hours and took a break to cook? too bad, time to get the fireplace going againn

having spent the last three weeks in a nearly 100-year-old wooden house by the shore (like. i can hear the waves when the sea is restless. inside the house.) all i'm saying is that i think i'm starting to get why they built hospitals by the seaside before. being this close to the sea really feels

and not only that, but allowed it to continue into my adult life as well, let them still take up so much space in my life that i had no room for me. in my own damn life. and i think this might be the first time i'm letting myself be angry about it.

i know, it's just really hard. i really gave up absolutely everything i cared about to focus on keeping the adults in my life on track. stopped trying to pursue friendships, quit hockey, quit most of my hobbies, for no other reason than exhausting myself trying to keep my adults afloat.

was also hit with a whirlwind of childhood stuff and so much regret, even though i know i did the best i could when i was younger.

society. we're not called one of the most racist countries in europe for nothing ig.

could. she literally told me that i could not participate in certain activities bc i was "too dark" or bc i was not blonde. mind you, i am quite literally white as a sheet of paper. and yeah sure i started school a solid 20 years ago but idk, just goes to show the extent of underlying racism in this

had to empty out my mother's apartment recently and found a lot of my old stuff, including old school photos. was funny realizing all over again that i was the only one on my class who wasn't blonde. and i remember my teacher making damn sure to point it out every chance she

found this with the hockey stuff, a drawing an old friend gave me a decade ago. still feels odd being perceived but damn not often have i felt so seen. she even explained that each flower she'd picked bc they represented something she felt fit me, can't remember them anymore though lol

also does it count as a face reveal if it's art

found my ancient hockey stuff today while going through some old stuff, felt quite sentimental about it.

also feels pretty wild bc i knew that i had great friends before, but idk if it ever really registered before just how far they'd be willing to go for me. not many people ever have in my life before, certainly not my parents.

this year has really concretely shown the meaning of 'found family' and exactly who has my back and is willing to deal with a little trouble and nuisance to help me out, even when they're getting absolutely nothing out of it.

and other friends who are keeping tabs on me daily, asking me how i'm doing, asking if me and my cats have food, clearly making sure that i'm still hanging on.

another friend lets me stay at their place for now, while they're staying over with their partner in another city so their house is empty anyway.

third one started pulling some strings and got me into very serious talks about an apartment that i could possibly rent.

one friend let me crash over immediately after my dad kicked me out. sent her a message in the middle of the night, told her what happened and she just asked me when i would be arriving. stayed with her for the first two weeks.

feel like i can't stress it enough how lucky i am to have the friends i do, but then again calling myself lucky feels wrong too bc i don't want to attribute to luck something that is my friends very intentionally extending grace and going out of their way to keep me afloat.

and tbh i think it says everything about our relationship that when he got married to his latest wife and had kids with her, the first thing in my brain was "well shucks, i'm not the only beneficiary of his inheritance when he kicks the bucket anymore." 🤷‍♀️

true, true. and the thing is that nothing in my life changed after i cut him out, he played no part in my life before going no-contact either, so it wasn't even that hard. all that changed was that i was no longer wondering "what if" and found some peace of mind and closure.

that's genuinely fucking bullshit, i'll never know where these fuckheads find the fucking audacity.

yeah, the man is a whole ass shitbag and there were genuine reasons why i'd cut him out of my life for a long time. would've never reached out to him again if it wasn't my only option. safe to say that he's never allowed back into my life ever again, the shit he pulled is unforgivable.

also, apologies to everyone i've ignored for the last month or two, i swear i appreciate you reaching out but i just don't have the bandwidth to socialize individually rn, surviving this shit is taking everything i have out of me.

all i can say atp is that idk how i'd do this without my friends, it's only thanks to them that i'm not on the damn streets literally. no idea what i've ever done to deserve such angels in my life but i'm so grateful for them.