Richard Stone

Elvis once proposed renting a German supermarket.

He wanted a Lidl lease conversation.

#LunchPun

I used to be a heavy smoker but since going on the diet I've become a lighter smoker

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I think I'm going to have a week off.
Aye, well, you better get the lozenges in then.

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I don't like eczema, per tickly.

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‘Excuse me, Miss, do you know what’s best for getting red wine out of a carpet?’

‘Ammonia cleaner, Sir.’

‘Oh I’m sorry, I thought you worked here.’

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I was going to make a rude, tasteless joke about my neighbour's flooding garden but it's before the watershed.

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In the silly costume marathon I stuffed a load of insulation materials down my trousers and now I'm lagging behind.

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I've just seen the charge of the light brigade.
What, you mean the film?
No, I've just got a bill from my electricians.

Staff at the local store are not allowed to talk about my plans now I've taken it over as they've all signed a Londis closure agreement

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I'm afraid she couldn't turn back time, in any cher poor form.

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They say that plankton is good for you to eat - but that's not always the case is it?
No, indeed, you make a very soylent point.

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😄

My sifter is coming apart, and no matter how hard I try, it never stays in my grasp. It’s quite a loose sieve.

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Someone thought they saw the Loch Ness monster in their lavatory - that's loo Nessie!

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DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman.
#lunchpun

I don't know how many teas I've made, to be brew tally honest.

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"Look Eeyore, I know what that bear is doing in the woods!" said Piglet, but Eeyore pooh pooed the idea.

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😂🤞

Plymouth Fragile at the moment 😋

There's a new vampire film out today - I've just heard some sound bites.

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I've started a new job today as a airport baggage handler, it isn't as easy as it sounds. There's a lot to take on board.
#lunchpun

I've decided to make another college slasher horror movie, in order to meet my die varsity targets.

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He tried to hide from the animals on the ark - to Noah veil.

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Novak Djokovic loves venison terrine on a bed of puréed potato. Game, set on mash.

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When our office cleaner failed to turn up one morning I was happy to step in and fill the vacuum.

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Ok if that's how you f eel 😆

😂😂👋

Good cod man! 😂👋

😂 It hasn't ty! Skating on thin ice though..

If you open the window, all those bees will get in.

Swarm in here?

I'll open the window then.

#Lunchpun