Líadin

THIS IS INCREDIBLE. I love this so much thank you Olive 💚

An artfight attack on @ellioute.bsky.social >:3
Art © Olivvmoss (me)
#animeart #animedrawing #artfandom #humanart #digitalart #artcommunity #artist #humandrawing #anime #animecharacter #commissionsopen

It’s not fair that people like that get to call it the same thing. It’s not fair that I feel like the joke for being traumatised. I do have fictives. But I can’t talk about them like that. They weren’t formed because I liked an OC. They formed because I was being abused. Because I couldn’t cope.

I’m sorry but I can’t keep watching someone say “a new fictive might form soon, probably from an OC I like” and “I love how ____ looks in our system <3” a days after they “formed” and pretend this is the same disorder I have.

Mentally not doing well at all. Between seeing all this system “cosplay” shit and Mal being in hospital I just… can’t. I’m gonna go quiet for a bit. I don’t want to keep crying every time I open this app.

This is not about any of my friends BTW. This is about a few acquaintances I have in my online space.

Please stop making a spectacle out of people like me. It makes me want to cry. It’s taken me years to even start accepting this part of myself.

And now I feel like I can’t even talk about it without being lumped in with people who treat it like a fandom activity. I’m so, so tired.

And you’re out here collecting fictives like it’s a Tumblr OC blog?

It’s not a game.
It’s not an aesthetic.
It’s something my brain did to survive. And it hurts.

I don’t get to “love” my system. I don’t get to put silly little icons in my bio and always know who’s here. I dissociate so hard I forget what my own body feels like. My partners have had to tell me who I was. I’ve had seizures and self harm episodes I don’t remember.

It’s realising you haven’t fronted in days and everything feels hazy and wrong and you can’t get your words out properly. It’s looking in the mirror and not knowing if it’s your face. It’s having to ask people what you did and not liking the answer.

You want to know what it’s like?

It’s terrifying.
It’s guilt.
It’s breaking things and hurting people and not knowing if it was you.
It’s crying because you found out something awful and you already lived through it, but you can’t remember.

That is not how DID works. That is not what this is. If your first instinct when you realise you might be a system is to go online and make a cutesy little carrd and start collecting alters like it’s Build-a-Bear, I’m sorry but that’s not real. That’s not what this is like.

I go nonverbal and can’t explain why. It ruined my life. And I’m watching people online saying shit like “I love my system 💖” and showing it off like it’s some kind of personality badge? Like they’re proud to have fictives from [insert fandom here] and they’re “looking for others to talk to”?

I still don’t know half my system. I lose time constantly. I forget entire days. I find drawings I don’t remember doing, messages I don’t remember sending. I come back and I’m in pain and I don’t know why. I forget my name. I forget what year it is.

I am a diagnosed system. One of my closest friends (Oli) is too. I have seen his official diagnosis and he has seen mine. And this… whatever this is that I keep seeing? It’s not real. Or if it is, it’s being treated like a joke. This is not fun. This is not cool. This is not something you enjoy.

I’ve been seeing way too many people suddenly “realising” they’re a system and by the next day they’ve got full names, pronouns, cute little roles, fronting schedules, and matching Discord statuses. and it’s making me feel actually sick.

This is for all the “systems” that I’ve seen pop up. Read this. You’ll know if it applies to you.

Sorry but I’m gonna say it. And some of y’all really need to read it. I’m so tired of a disorder I have being fucking…Infantalized into silly OC disorder. It’s not cute. It’s not fun.

12. Do you have trust issues?
Yes. With a capital Y. It’s better now, but I still wait for everyone to leave or turn on me.

A bust chibi drawing of a light brown furry fox character. She's looking at the viewer with a smile, wearing a cozy cream cardigan with strawberries on the sleeve and a colorful bandana.

A lil paint-ish chibi bust for @blazingkella.art as a revenge >:3c
feels so nice to experiment!!

#Artfight | #Artfight2025

11. What makes you feel appreciated?
People noticing small things. Like remembering my allergies, or asking if I need to stim (Autistic LOL) or rest. Or just stroking my hair or anything soft and gentle. :,,3

10. Someone gave you $100, what are you spending it on?
Probably art supplies or those squishy stim toys that look like mochi. Or a big squishmallow.

9. What has overwhelmed you recently?
Being so physically dependent again. Like, the moment you need help to shower, it hits hard. Even if people are kind. :,,]

Yeahhhhh exactly. I was in medical school at the time and it genuinely almost made me drop out pffft.

IT WAS LOL 😅 People are so mean to receptionists…

8. What is one of your most treasured memories?
Getting my first plushie after epilepsy put me in hospital when I was little, a tiny blue rabbit. I named her BonBon. Still have her.

7. What was the last song you sang?
“Dead Girl Walking” from Heathers. Yes, I went full performance. Duh : P

6. What was your first job?
I did freelance tutoring for biology and maths when I was about 15 LOL. First real job was being a hospital receptionist in Dublin, awful. Never again.

5. Biggest turn on?
Being wanted. Like, really wanted. I melt if someone looks at me like they’re starving for it. (Sorry PFFT)

4. Do you believe in soulmates? Why or why not?
A little bit. I think we’re meant to meet certain people. Not always romantically, just… people that are meant to be important to you.

3. Is there something you want to tell someone, but won’t?
Yeah. But they’d either leave or feel sorry for me, and I’m not ready for either.