Bob Heller

The night moves I’ve been working on are finally perfect.

'Night Moves' by Bob Seger but it's just me waking up every two hours to take a leak

I'm available to make balloon snakes at yer kid's birthday party. Also I do like 3 to 4 magic tricks and I can chug beer real fast.

I know God cursed snakes to crawl the earth on their bellies but they seem to be enjoying it

If you don’t want to get pickpocketed in a downtown restroom, pee with your back to the urinal.

dude at the adjacent urinal just peeked at my junk 3 times. i’m so back

Tyrannosaurus Sext: i wanna smack dat ass!

*Cries cuz he can't. Tries to put phone in pocket. Can't. Sexts another dinosaur. Cries.

BRONTOSAURUS: roar

STEGOSAURUS: roar

TYRANNOSAURUS: roar

THESAURUS: bellow

Babies? Ok, Son. I knew you'd ask eventually... First, you fuck a stork...

One way to keep your shirts wrinkle-free is be really really fat.

if you have not treated the upper portion of your body to these (my opinion) fantastic products, i would highly recommend looking into: shirts

I just told my son about the birds and the bees and now he's jerking off into the hydrangea bush in my back yard.

A small boy looking happy. Black and white. Words INSECTS DONT HAVE LUNGS

INSECTS DON'T HAVE LUNGS

Trent Dilfer smiling on the sideline of a football game, wearing a suit and a broadcaster headset

Roses are red
New friends are silver
Grimace is purple
Trent Dilfer

Can you really call yourself an introvert just because you’re an extrovert with no friends?

big salad will fix me

I got lumpy butt fever

Woke up this morning, opened the fridge to see that the Brita was full, orgasmed two times.

the majority of my museum experience is walking up to a portrait and thinking “look at this fucking guy”

Reskeet all his skeets

remember that time when Jack Bauer said [break some guy’s neck in a leg scissors]

It is. . . in my heart.

The butthole of my heart.

What if I’m lukewarm and older and ready to adulter?

Remember when Dan Quayle misspelled potato?

TRUMP: Hold my pootayderp...

BREAKING: Donald Trump Kills Cancer Research Because That’s What Cancer Would Do

I like that song where the girl is on fire

ME: *having been fooled by the rocks that's she's got* Omg you're just who from the where??

Maybe voraciously devouring cookies and allowing the crumbs to fly through the air and/or fall all over your chest is normal and YOU… are the monster.

New cryptid dropped

Every time my wife goes in the shower she has to worry about me re-enacting the scene from Psycho except with my wiener and a lot of begging