Bob Heller

Bribing a FIFA official (he is wearing a shirt that says ‘FIFA Official’) by handing him a great big sack with a dollar sign and the word ‘BRIBE’ on it

Don't call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.

Today is the day I finally sit down and start reading the Bible cover to cover. Who am I kidding? I’m just gonna skip ahead to the dragon parts.

I’m no longer religious, but any time I spill something I will stop to see if there’s a face in it

Instead of counting sheep I like to imagine squirrels piloting rickety homemade zeppelins over a river of piping-hot béchamel sauce. This doesn't help me get to sleep, in fact it leaves me feeling confused and visibly agitated

Seasonal depression? Sign me up! I’ll take summer, please!

My PornHub Wrapped says I suspended my disbelief 47 times that a stepsister could somehow get stuck taking clothes out of the dryer.

opening a fine cigar box to reveal mozzarella sticks

If a tree falls on Steve Guttenberg and Michael Winslow is not around, does it make a sound?

I can really relate to Rebecca and Diane from cheers.
Ted Danson is just constantly trying to fuck me

Mall security is saying it's not a bidet and it's not a free-coin-grabby-pooly thingy, yet my b-hole is super clean and I'm $16.27 richer.

feels like a good time to remind y'all that your gay apparel is dry clean only

upsetting everyone by creating a new peanut butter called smooth crunch

Her: I'm gonna cum!

Me: I'm going pretend you said that in bed and not Wendy's

*bites Baconator
*cums

weather graphic: BREAKING NEWS NORTHEAST SET TO BE CUM BLASTED BY 'MOST EXTREME COLD ON EARTH' BEFORE CHRISTMAS

jesus

Happens

What’s the German word for when you eat cake with your hands & cry in the grocery store parking lot

I'm like an animal in bed.

I will step on your privates and inadvertently put my butt hole in your face.

whoever invented beds was a fucking genius. i’m just all cozied up in here, like you don’t even know how cozy i am

putting on a red shirt and goin g into target and telling all the customers that I don't work there

In the land of milk and honey, lactose intolerant people with bee allergies are even bigger pussies.

honey, pass me my posting jorts, i’m ready to log on again.

If everybody on bluesky chipped in one dollar, we wouldn't be able to do that much. It's gonna have to be ten dollars to make a real difference.

57 minutes until sunset, driving down a gravel road and hoping the deer stay clear as he pretends there's no work in the morning.

Knock knock

Who’s there?

TRUMP

Hahahahhahaha haha ha ha hahahhahaha hahahahhahahhahahha ha ha hahahaha hahahhahahah hahahahhhaha hahhahahhah hahhahahaaaahaa haa hahhahahhahah ha ha ha hahhahhahahaha haa haaa hahahhahhahahaa ha hahhhhahahhaah ha hahahahaha hahah hahha ha ha ha ha <cough cough> ha

Hahahahhahaha haha ha ha hahahhahahahhahahahhahahhahahha ha hahahaha hahahhahahah hahahahhhaha hahhahahhah hahhahahaaaahaa haa hahhahahhahah ha ha ha hahhahhahahaha haa haaa hahahhahhahahaa ha hahhhhahahhaah ha hahahahaha hahah hahha ha ha ha hahhahahhahaaaa ha haaa hahahha ha ha ha hahahahahaha ha

Give a man a fish. He'll eat for a day.

Give a monkey a tiny tuxedo and it'll be sooooo cute.

Also give him a fish cuz monkey's gotta eat.

Bread monkey. A monkey that brings you bread. Maybe he bakes it too, we'll come back to that.

No.

Are you even a sassy waitress who doesn't take crap from anybody, Flo?