Mike F

You know in movies where they kinda wipe their hand gently over the face of a dead guy and it closes their eyes. It would be a good gag if they did that on a guy with glasses. Either his eyes close or the glasses turn into sunglasses.

Double double, oil and soup
Fire burn and liquid poop

Honestly those placemats aren't easy to finish, I usually only manage to eat about half

mike's hard lemon maze

Always satisfying when you spend a bunch of hours twisting wires together and it all comes on when you plug it in. Also fun when you forget a couple and it connects through the air and makes hot sparks

Coworker: any plans for the weekend?
Me: nothing much, probably just roaming the earth as did the dinosaurs of old

hey man it's urgent that we speak in person. i sent you the coordinates of a difficult to access space where i've been hanging out completely alone. i'd love it if you could meet me here at any time in the future

They need to bring back silent films, so i can make phone calls in the theater without any background noise

tinker tailor shepherd's pie

Hey how's it going

I'm excited for Nosferatu, but I'm even more excited for the movie next year where Nosferatu, the Northman , one of the guys from the lighthouse and The VVitch team up to acquire a series of powerful jewels

you should never keep a baseball bat to defend against home invasions. because what if the guy breaking in has a baseball. you're just going to end up trying to hit that instead

going into the movie theater with a bulky leather jacket with one sleeve pinned up like ive got one arm, and once i sit down i slide a deli container brimming with cabbage soup out of the pinned sleeve and pop the lid and it instantly smells like fart within a 6 seat radius of me

your sign is cool i love it

making a neon sign for a company that does cloud services for public sector accounting. guys you do not need a neon sign. it's too much trust me. your business does not have a neon sign vibe. LEDs is pushing it

I don't tip food delivery guys in cash I just give them some food from the kitchen. like i figure it probably takes about an hour to deliver the food. and probably a couple hours to bake a loaf of bread. so i will give the guy half of a loaf of bread.

i watched Terrifier (2016) and for the first 45 minutes or so i was sold. but then he got on that little bike. get off of that thing. i need to see 3 or 4 more hours of back story to understand why you even have that small bike at your disposal

After getting one million cuts in my life I finally got one of those infected cuts like you hear about, need to take the antibiotics and everything. have to be honest I didn't think it could happen to me.

Thinking about applying for this job as a Sex Sheriff

my workout is stomping on water balloons full of different sports drinks. i dont worry about the effect it has on the mirrors because im not there for vanity

I took a day off from work because there was supposed to be a big snow storm. But it only snowed like one inch. Going to be pretty embarrassing going back in there tomorrow

i snuck in a couple cups

made a big pot of stock this morning. now im making a big pot of soup.

yes

He was the type of guy with a 100% flat back and ass. The type of man who, if there were more than one of him, they would be stackable,

Walked in on these two freaks canoodling

I cannot in good conscience advise my enemies to kill me when they have the chance, which is admittedly very often.