Greg the Miller

Flair in the derrière.

There's a Samsung phone ad where people take a photo of themselves at a night party, then add their dog and make the night into day.

Why even take that photo? What is the point of recording your fake life?

some of u think ur sooo funny. and u are. good job

all my daylight saving jokes were in the hour we lost. rip.

I only lost an hour of sleep and my will to live.

I am Flava Flav's arch nemesis, Blandy Bland.

ahhhh i missed it i’m sorry!!! happy belated birthday!!! 🥳🎉

I want to see the charcuterie board before I get into the van.

rage against mr. clean

that shiny headed muscleboi only has one good song and it’s renegades of gunk

When you block me I make a funny little noise like a bluetooth speaker disconnecting

IT'S FINE, YOU CAN HAVE IT, I DON'T WANT IT. ONE LESS HOUR TO BE SAD ANYWAY.

I understand that, when my dog stops on our walks to sniff every goddamn twig and each freakin’ blade of grass, she is decoding, deciphering, and analyzing the complicated world around her, but what I can’t quite figure out is exactly what she plans on doing with that information.

Kraft cheese is single ply

The hour we lost for daylight savings time was the hour I was going to use to get my life together

if you want VIP passes to the marionette convention, I can pull some strings for you

one less hour on international women’s day for me to be wrong about something

a giant ravioli filled with lasagna

sure I’d eat pizza like a ninja turtle too if I had a teenage metabolism

if you’re facetiming on the bus without headphones i reserve the right to spray you like the cat

*after 30min* idk gang, maybe saran wrap doesn’t want to be unfolded

got mad that i was mowing the lawn in my good sweat shorts and then got madder that i have “good sweat shorts”

In celebration of International Women’s Day, I'm going to just shut the fuck up.

I don’t get any sleep because I’ve never been to Brooklyn

i love not really needing to know the day-to-day price of gasoline

what would you do for a slightly used klondike bar

OH SO I ALSO LOSE AN HOUR THIS WEEKEND WHAT ELSE DO YOU PLAN TO TAKE FROM ME

my 11yo semi verbal autistic daughter loves the whole 6-7 craze but she sings loudly "and if the devil is six THEN GOD IS SEVEN, GOD IS SEVEN" like Frank Black and I need to send her teacher a link to old Pixies songs so she understands what's going on because her teacher is too young to get it

Huey Lewis: *falls and breaks pelvis*

The News: Hip to repair

"Does Pinocchio have a wooden dick?" Is not an appropriate way to answer "yes" to questions. Apparently.

wearing my women in stem t-shirt on international women’s day to celebrate the fact that i was given that and a reusable water bottle instead of equal pay