Greg the Miller

accidentally bought “crunchy” peanut butter and now i live in fear ✨

My uncle passed away from a Viagra overdose….
my aunt took it pretty hard.

you are loved, twat

Facebook has Are We Dating the Same Guy groups. Bluesky needs Are We Sexting the Same Guy so we can rank his creativity like on Rotten Tomatoes.

My hair has now reached my butt. Bout to save a ton on toilet paper.

sorry i’m late bro there were enemies nearby and i couldn’t fast travel

The kid is singing in the shower again. Poor child has my voice. 😬

Hey babe, I can tell by the frequency of your posts, that you are once again, avoiding it all.

Don't think of it as a cubicle. Think of it as a starter coffin.

Saw a tree browning and losing leaves today and said “heh, guess that guy got the memo” (that July’s over) and I think I’m ready to become a dad

How did it get so late? I haven’t finished my timeline yet…

I also had a crush on Ensign Lefler

you can make a crunchwrap supreme at home with doritos. it’s not illegal. and they can’t stop you anyway

Smooth Jazz Hands

How dare you block me and “censor” me from replying to you

My love language?

No I said I love language.

Set a new high score in dishwasher Tetris today lads. All downhill from here.

It's always best to put things a few very different ways, even if you're especially if you're explaining that words decorate an idea and where you place them is oh look, the action fell asleep. Let's trim its nails and do its homework.

The floor is java

Him: “What fresh hell awaits us today.”

Her: “… okay look, no offense, but after this appointment I’m going to find a new gynecologist.”

hey guys i don’t wanna brag but i’ve been practicing and i can 𝒶𝓁𝓂𝑜𝓈𝓉 whistle now

One thing that really helps combat the exhaustion an introvert feels after hosting a birthday party the day before is suddenly remembering there is still leftover cake. Cake!

Back to work after a week off, can't seem to remember my passwords or find my "give a shit about any of this"

Respectfully…

actually on second thought, I’m all out of that.

i was a re-gifted kid

First day back to work after vacation and I really think I should’ve tried harder to be a trophy wife when I was young.

My milkshake brings A LARGE INFLUX OF BEEEES to the yard.

Don't listen to the haters, if you keep reposting that mediocre skeet again every 2.5 minutes for the next hour, it WILL go viral, don't give up.

my my my my hammer pants still smell like you can't touch this.

Assert dominance by shitting in a bag and having your dog carry it around the neighborhood.