🔞 Rachel's Den 🏳️‍⚧️

I'll try to do better. I want to write. I want to belong.

I'm just scared I can't. Not in a scene infinitely more talented, creative, loving and fun than me. I'm scared I'm not good enough 🫂

I'm sorry for stressing you out. Thank you 🫂

I try not to be loud about my feelings anymore. I hurt people by doing it. Thank you though 🫂

Sorry for the bad panic today. Really sorry I'm not doing good but I'm trying.

I'll try to be better tomorrow 🫂

I'm sorry if I'm not good for anything here

I'm sorry I keep breaking. I'm sorry if I'm boring and my writing is terrible. I'm trying really hard to do better but this last month has been hell and I just can't handle it.

I'm sorry for being a nuisance

I'm sorry for the bad day and sorry for making it everyone's problem. I feel terrible and I'm really sorry

Reminder to go read FLOWERBLOOM by @anarchoshanties.bsky.social. One of the best intros in the Mechsploitation genre this shit is going places. She's incredible at this!

archiveofourown.org/works/752392...

I'm trying not to, but deleting my writing at least feels necessary

I'm trying to do better and I'm sorry I'm not

I don't know what's left for a bad person whose only skill she enjoys isn't good enough. I'm just not good enough to exist I'm sorry

Bad times. Utterly isolated. Have no confidence in the last thing that brings fulfillment in my life. I don't know what to do anymore when everyone is either sick of me, will get sick of me or has left because I'm bad.

I don't know how to fix any of this and don't want to be alive knowing I can't

lrt that is kind of the story of my life. My trauma is nigh permanent and ongoing. People realize that I am never going to be fixed because I can't escape what has broken me and leave when I have made it clear my broken nature makes me awful to be around.

I think a lot about something I heard in an anthropology class about the anthropology of medicine: “you can’t treat trauma when people are still in the middle of the traumatic event.”

I'm not a good person and I'm sorry if I tricked you into thinking I was like I do with everyone who gets close and wastes years of their lives

Proud of ya girl

Break for a bit. Maybe I'll feel okay enough to get back to writing later. Maybe I delete everything and let this community be happy without my awful presence.

I don't really know right now. I'm really sorry I'm like this. Awful time of year paired with disaster after disaster after mess 🫂

I'm sorry that Chapter 2 sucks and that you'll hate it when you get to it. I'm really sorry in advance for the disappointment

I'll try but you're going to be disappointed

Oh this shit's getting deleted as soon as I feel strong enough. I cannot fathom writing in this mindset and I simply know there is a point in Our Nest where people give up and yawn.

I fucked it. The lead in sucks and that fucks the entire narrative. It's dead. Let me appreciate your work at least.

Reminder to go read FLOWERBLOOM by @anarchoshanties.bsky.social. One of the best intros in the Mechsploitation genre this shit is going places. She's incredible at this!

archiveofourown.org/works/752392...

Then we're at an impasse

She'll get there. I'm expecting any and all thoughts to end when she gets to Our Nest's second chapter and realises it's boring as shit lol

It has flopped far too severely to just not have hit at the right time or something

I don't think it'd matter? It's deleting something nobody read and nobody will enjoy past when Our Nest starts getting boring (I think it's Chapter 2).

*Your* work is brilliant and I'll dedicate myself to boosting it constantly. We have to agree there's something fundamentally wrong with mine.

Eh. Clearly not unfortunately. I'll go back to the drawing board or delete it entirely. Some people aren't built for serious writing unfortunately 🫳

Oh I know. I'm just saying both can be true at once. FLOWERBLOOM can debut incredibly and my stuff can utterly crash at the same time. Tis life and I'm glad if one of us is a success it's you, girl. You deserve the world 🧡

Nah you don't get to minimise your success here lol. FLOWERBLOOM has considerably more everything than both parts of Strix combined and that's eight chapters. You're a massive success and I'm proud of you.

You don't get to minimise how good you did 🫳

You guys' didn't and you're both wonderful at it. It's something wrong with me and I need to figure it out or stop writing 🫂

Sadly not. Writing doesn't consistently flop like mine if you're creative and wonderful. People will leave soon when they realize this is basically my default state now girl 🫂