Drew Baumgartner

I’m gonna tell her I could hear just fine before she was born.

Years of playing in bands has left me with significant hearing loss in my right ear, but after two weeks of caring for a newborn, it sure feels like I can hear more than enough on that side.

Thanks, David! I suspect this material is going to be easy to come by…

At least, it’s fraught for the parents. Last night, just as we thought we were making progress, the baby let us know how she felt about our efforts with one of her signature wet farts.

Breastfeeding has been a bit of a struggle—we could get the baby to latch, but she would only give a suckle or two before just kind of giving up. So every feed became a kind of fraught all-hands-on-deck to get her in position, latched, and stroking her cheek to stimulate suckling…

…when I tried “super baby” last night, she just kind of hung limp like a handful of spaghetti.

When I was nannying for me niece over a decade ago, we used to do a thing I called “super baby” — I’d hold her up in front of the bathroom mirror, face-side down so she’d have to work her little neck muscles to look at her reflection (which she loved). Turns out that’s not really a newborn game…

Aha! We weren’t *quite* telling folks yet when we saw you this summer, but we were definitely low-key asking you and Jess questions about parenting.

Thanks Shay! We’re doing our best!

Realizing I get rope-a-doped by the burping thing a lot. Sometimes they’re really quiet mixed in with sighs and grunts, so you have to listen with some sensitivity. But sometimes it’s not a burp but a maximum volume shrieking sneeze right in your ear.

Thanks Jim! Laughing or not, we’re enjoying the heck out of this time.

On a less potty-humor note: she’ll occasionally suckle an imaginary breast in her sleep, followed by the most cartoonishly dopey satisfied expression.

It doesn’t help that (like many newborns) she has very liquid-y poops and unfathomable volumes of gas (I blame the all-milk diet). If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear we’d given birth to a can of brown spray paint.

Our baby has a knack for pooping and peeing in the middle of diaper changes. It felt like a cute story the first time it happened, but she has done it at least five times since (including on the scale at the pediatrician’s), so diaper changes have gained the tension of defusing a time bomb.

While still at the hospital, I was gingerly burping our baby, listening carefully for the quiet parping sound I’d come to expect, only to get an adult belch the likes of which I hadn’t heard since college. She is truly her mother’s daughter.

So I’m going to record here the moments I thought were funny but couldn’t acknowledge in the moment. Be warned: I suspect these aren’t particularly funny to anyone who wasn’t in the room, and mostly revolve around belching and pooping. In my defense, I am very short on sleep, so cut me some slack.

…like lifting things, bending at the waist, or getting out of bed in her own. And it’s excruciating to cough, sneeze, or laugh. The latter is particularly tragic, in that we kind of have to stifle our joy as our baby keeps doing hilarious things…

BABY ANECDOTE MEGATHREAD: As some of you know, our daughter was delivered via c-section last week. So in addition to joys and struggles of new parenthood, my wife is also contending with recovering from major abdominal surgery. She’s in good spirits (the baby helps), but there’s a lot she can’t do…

Finally deleted my abandoned Twitter account, and decided I should lose Facebook, too. I still get a modicum of joy here, but am really reevaluating how I want to spend my time.

I've seen it suggested that the anglophone concept of a snowy Christmas stems from this story, which in turn stems from a coincidence of Dickens' childhood, which had an unusually high incidence of snowy Christmases.

Boomers will spend decades decrying participation trophies only to award themselves the first ever non-participation trophy.

Genuinely, I don't know how people forgive him for that haircut. It's such a brazen, balled-faced lie, trying to put it past us is an insult to our collective intelligence. Remarkably, the rest of his lies are equally unconvincing, but his base seems to relish being lied to.

It's one thing to try to convince people a mostly safe medication is a miracle cure. It seems like a much harder thing to try to convince people that a medication everyone and their mother has been taking for years isn't safe. We all have lived experience that it's fine.

There was once a time where letting families go hungry while the President spends hundreds of millions of dollars on an addition to his house would have been recognized as colossally bad optics.

"Sorry kids, dinner is going to be several months late."

Detective Blackbeard. Pirate captain becomes maverick gumshoe for the NYPD.

Beleaguered Police Chief: You're a loose cannon, Blackbeard!

Detective Blackbeard: Aye, we once had a loose cannon on the Queen Anne's Revenge. Lost three men.

Comics pro tip: If your SFX might reasonably be misinterpreted as a fart, you should change/delete it.

Oh no! Did he leave the classified information lying around Mar-a-Lago?

We don't have to have a long memory to recall a certain television personality smearing President Obama with much more heinous claims than anything this dipshit is facing. But Obama never sicced the FCC on that guy's show because he had the strength of character to care about more important shit.

No political grievance can be taken seriously if "hurting the dear leader's precious feelings" sits equally among them. This isn't a righteous movement, it's a political vanity project. Weak. Ass. Shit.