Chris Cyr

Prediction: Given the way Elon creates lab babies, and the fact that he and Trump are both at the center or weird little creepy cults, I predict that in the next four years, Tiffany Trump has one of Elon Musk’s children. That child will be named Doge.

Another comic in the room went up to Death and asked what joke offended him. Death looked confused and said “Oh, I wasn’t offended. I was just surprised to see him here on the 7 o’clock show when I have plans to see him on the 11 o’clock show at The Ha Ha Hut.”

-Apology to W Somerset Maugham. 3/3

Afraid that Death meant to harm him for an offensive punchline, the comedian ran out the back door, got into his car, and drove as quickly as he could to The Ha Ha Hut, where audiences were more on board for dark humor. 2/3

A stand-up comedian stood on stage at The Chuckle Barn. When he gazed upon the audience, he saw Death at a table in the back. After telling a joke, he noticed Death giving him a threatening look. 1/3

You know, if I believed it was the patriotic duty of middle class and poor Americans to work until they die, spending decades convincing them how they should have 401ks instead of defined benefit pensions, then purposefully tanking the economy to drain those 401ks of value, would be a great plan.

Tanking the market, letting it make small gains, and then tanking it again seems like a great strategy if you have a lot of friends who own equity funds.

Dear MAGA voter,

This is your chance. Finally, all the DEI Trans Nanny State policies holding you back are being removed. If you’re not a billionaire soon, it must be because you’re too fucking stupid and lazy to pull yourself up by your bootstraps. It obviously can’t be the system.

If you think it’s bad that Trump accidentally fired a bunch of nuclear workers, wait until he accidentally fires a bunch of nuclear missiles.

There’s a whole generation of people who grew up thinking they were going to be the Wolverines from Red Dawn but ended up being Daniel from V.

If your boss gets on you for bringing your kid to the office when you can’t find childcare, point out that if it’s good enough for the Oval Office, it’s good enough for CVS.

Who knew “Life begins at conception and ends in the classroom” would be such an effective party platform?

The “United States Mid East Riviera Hotel And Resort (An IHG/Trump Partnership)” answers both the question “How is this country going to fund a Sovereign Wealth Fund?” and the question “How can we get more suicide bombings than school shootings in this country?”

If someone hired Academi (formerly Blackwater), they’d pretty much do whatever the client wanted, with no question, right? Asking for no particular reason.

Also, visit my gofundme.

Prediction: Elon has control of personal data collected by the government. We’re going to get a story about that data being assetized and sold.

Welcome to the Temu version of an empire.

Yesterday Trump authorizied a sovereign wealth fund. Scott Bessent said “we’re going to monetize the asset side of the US balance sheet.”

Trump wants to own TikTok, the Panama Canal, Canada, and Greenland. Charge states for emergency services. All this while the US leases Gaza to resorts.

Having spent a good chunk of my youth in the charismatic church, I can confirm that “empathy is a sin” is consistent with fundie doctrine.

The three most important things to say in church were “praise Jesus,” “hashambalahkashibalahshambalah,” and “I’d rather my kid be dead than gay.”

TBF - I didn’t buy a Trump bible. That one might actually have Jesus saying “Verily, I say unto you that wherever two or more of you ask a brown person to prove their citizenship, I shall be there with you and Dr. Phil.”

A memo was issued telling federal employees they were no longer allowed to put pronouns in their email signatures. The memo then went on to list fourteen words employees COULD include instead.

Free Lunch: How the Wealthiest Americans Enrich Themselves at Government Expense (and Stick You with the Bill)|Paperback Free Lunch answers the great mystery of our time: How did our strong and growing economy give way to job uncertainty, debt, bankruptcy, and fear for millions of Americans? Acclaimed reporter David...

Every book I read 20 years ago is relevant again. Today it’s David Cay Johnston’s “Free Lunch.” This book was a great look at college admissions and how the “meritocracy” people keep talking about doesn’t apply to rich people.

www.barnesandnoble.com/w/free-lunch...

If I’ve never read the 2004 classic “What’s the Matter With Kansas” by Thomas Frank, will I understand the 2025 sequel “Holy Fuck, It’s Way Worse Than We Thought It’d Be”

Did not expect the American president’s reaction to an airplane/helicopter collision to basically be, “What color were the pilots?”

The White House is inviting social media influencers to apply for press credentials and I can’t wait to hear what kind of thoughtful questions DeepInDatAzz69666 asks the press secretary.

Google is changing the name of the Gulf of Mexico to Gulf of America. This fits their corporate strategy of wanting any information people get from them to be as useless as their search results.

*potties

Everything you need to know about America is explained by the fact that Americans feel superior to countries where people squat over holes in the floor to poop, but they also spent $20 Million on Squatty Potty’s so they could simulate squatting over a hole to poop.

“Ronnie! Ronnie, it's Marvin. Your cousin, Marvin James Dio. You know that new sound you're looking for? Well, listen to this!”

A career in stand-up comedy means I’ve given up on ever getting to say “Let’s get this right, people! Everyone makes it home tonight.” in a situation that doesn’t turn into a joke about me on a toilet.

Paramount removing ST: Prodigy from its service makes me wish there was a way to buy/play physical media containing the content you’d normally stream.

Picturing young Stephen King doing standup before becoming a horror writer.

“So, I’m fucking this car when these kids have an orgy in front of clown, right?”