Mike Beauvais

[First date]

HER: If you had a time machine, where would you go?

ME (knowing full well that I would travel back to 2014 to bid on the haunting Baby Grinch doll from the 2000 Jim Carrey movie at a Turner Classic Movies auction in New York City): Ancient Rome, probably.

ND losing to this USC team to miss the playoff would be the most ND shit imaginable.

Match of the Year with Will Ospreay and Match of the Year without Will Ospreay needs to be two separate categories for 2024.

I can't be the only one who thinks if the troops wanted to they could put together a football team and lose to ND by 40-plus.

Hard to believe that Ryan Williams is 17 and only two years younger than Jayson Tatum.

He’s a fan of The Tucc for sure.

Dismayed to learn Pope Francis is on Bluesky.

Was planning to declare myself Pope over here and set up my own Avignon.

Matt Gaetz has withdrawn from consideration for Attorney General to spend more time with children.

What are you missing on Twitter, you ask?

I wonder if he’s any relation to this Tommy Tuberville.

Now that Inside the NBA will fall under the Disney umbrella, I only ask for one thing.

Urban Meyer, guest picker.

HOME ALONE 2 (1992), Dir. Chris Columbus

Look, it’s really easy to make fun of Brian Kelly right now.

There’s no “but” here. I just wanted to let you know how is easy it is.

Boxing is cool because you’ll watch a good fight and think to yourself “Why don’t I watch boxing more often?” and then the judges immediately remind you of why.

I have purchased Dov Kleiman’s Bluesky account.

Hello, I am Dov Kleiman now.

Here’s somebody else’s video from Lions practice. 🔥🔥🔥

RIP Pac-12.

NBA: Raps
NFL: Bills
NHL: Leafs
College FB: *whispers* ND
College BB: UConn
MLB: Jays
WNBA: Toronto 2026
PL: United

DONALD TRUMP: I am please to nominate RFK Jr. to head the Department of Health and Human Services.

LONG ERADICATED PREVENTABLE ILLNESSES:

JERRY SEINFELD: Just follow her on Bluesky.

GEORGE COSTANZA: Her handle’s invalid.

JERRY SEINFELD: She’s got an invalid handle?

GEORGE COSTANZA (slamming table): Invalid handle, Jerry.

I dunno, I think there’s a difference between an existential struggle for your country’s very existence and the dumb app you post jokes on while sitting on the toilet.

Sorry to hear, man.

The best part about Bluesky is having another app to repeatedly close and immediately open again.

I’m thinking about turning this account into a gimmick account dedicated to how great sports in the 1970s were.

Super, even.

It’s a brand new idea unique to my mind.

Before and after I fill my body with The Onion supplements and brain pills.

People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive is once again former Chicago White Sox catcher Ron Karkovice.

MATT GAETZ (sipping from Solo cup): I’m going to be the Attorney General.

HIGH-SCHOOL GIRL: I think Jamie’s parents just pulled into the driveway.

The Department of Government Effiency

Things are bumping over on Mastodon.