Zen

Two fantasy creatures are visible traveling along the surface of the sea. One is a birdlike Lindworm gliding above and the other is an orca-looking creature swimming below.

I can't stop looking at this. I love my precious monsters~

For context Im a student. I'm granted childsupport by law. My father refuses to pay which is why we're in a lawsuit. I live with my mother for free but get no money either. I have a minijob for 500€ a month. I pay all of my expenses myself and I also got pets.

I have nothing left but to wait.

Turning 25 next month, which means Im losing a lot of currently provided benefits. Like how I got to be in my mother's health care plan for free and now I will be forced to pay 150€ a month. Im already barely holding on as is. There is no protection for people like me. We fall right through.

So to finish this thread off: Im gonna work my ass off to get to a point in my life where I can be myself fearlessly. Without second guessing myself. Just as self-reflected as I am, but minus the selfhate and anxiety. I wish to feel seen and to be listened to. To experience love, trust and peace.

Which is why Im working on:
- Reprogramming my thoughts to be more supportive and kind to myself
- Daring to take leaps in friendships to achieve a deeper sense of connection
- Communicating my fears despite fear of judgement
- Asking for help
- Re-establishing structure/recovery from the past years

But here I am now. Almost 25 years in and with the biggest lesson of my life being "You cant rely on anyone. Ultimatively it's all on you." And considering that Im disabled and traumatized and very often ill, and yet holding myself up to NT standards, it makes sense that eventually I'd wear off.

It wouldve taken ONE. One adult to see me.
It wouldve taken a single adult to listen and to help me, then I wouldnt be this traumatized and terrified by people. Not a single adult in my life has stepped up for me in a way that mattered in the long run. It left me invisible until proven guilty.

Autism didnt cause me to be like this. The people around me did. They did this to me because of my Autism. Because I am different.
Because I feel different.
Because I think different.
Because I love different.

Ive always been a kind hearted and passionate child. And I was punished for it every day

Why do the gazes of people usually feel like the scorching judgement of a higher power? Why does my voice leave me when I'm trying to speak in my interest? Why does every single mistake feel like I have ruined someone's life?

These and many more questions may probably be answered with: Autism!

Why does every single word I say echo through my skull like a haunting spell trying to cause panic? Why can I never feel connected or safe with anyone unless they are in the active act of proving it to me? Why is my life like "The walking dead" while everyone else seems to be in "Animal crossing"?

Which brings me back to my point of feeling unseen. I see my friends having their other friends and they seem to be so in sync most of the time. And even if they have fallouts they get back together like nothing happened. Why is my experience so different?

And yea I know thats still asking for a sort of attention haha. But its not a "praise me. Tell me Im great." Its a "Interact with my world. Show me that Im seen. Show me that I touched your heart." Which is so intimate to me honestly. But people dont seem to get it.

And I dont create to get attention. I wish to evoke feelings in people. To communicate myself visually. It's a form of communication for me, which is why getting none to casual reactions feels bland and makes me feel unseen and miserable. Its like sending a heartfelt message and getting back an "ok"

And I work so hard. I work so hard to become better. But I cant work on other things as much because of it. Its genuinely crippling my abilities. Skill regression really doesnt help this either. It feels like I have lost all motivation to create, because the reactions of others wont satisfy me.

It doesnt help that I live with my family still. With people that have caused me so much harm in my life and never even acknowledged the damage they have caused me. In conditions which I can only describe as sensory hell. I am so heavily dissociated because Id be freaking out every day if I wasnt.

And I do try to teach my brain that my efforts are worth celebrating with EVERY. SINGLE. STEP. But its an exhausting process. Especially since Ive been trying to teach my brain a lot of other things as well. Like about feeling shame, guilt and anxiety over every single decision I have to make.

It feels like Im running a marathon and all the watchers have their backs turned. Unless I make a mistake which gets booed. But whenever I seem to finally get closer to the finish line it just draws out far away into the distance and none of my efforts ever feel satisfying. I havent finished the run

And after MULTIPLE unrelated really frustrating situations with several people I considered my friends, I think I crashed into the hard realization that I feel like nobody understands or sees me. Ever. My hardships are taken for granted. My struggles blamed on me. My efforts unseen and uncommented.

The past year was... terrible. I was sick at least 50% of the year, spent almost the entire year in my bed/couch because I felt like if I took a single wrong step Id fall into another situation that overwhelms me and I mightve just simply exploded at that point.

I was diagnosed with Autism back in 2016 and while I did educate myself about my disability on the side and learned quite a few things about me and why I may be acting or thinking the way I am, I chose to focus on my transition and education first alongside lawsuit bs with my father since 2018.

Im currently going through one of the if not the toughest phases of my life yet. After a life of masking and forcing myself to follow ablebodied standards, I have worn down almost entirely.

Vanquisher of Death: Heat Without Light Book 3 by David The KamenWriter Death is the enemy, and your children shall be saved.

Princess Legato Melody of B'alam has been given a mission: Return with the monster hunter Fear No More or don't return at all.

thekamenwriter.itch.io/vanquisher-o...

#furry #furrywriting #heatwithoutlight #hwl #fantasy

I think the reason why Im this mad about the movie "Mufasa" being bad is because it looks incredible and I really want to look at it. Like in an autistic special interest kind of way. But I HATE the writing so much, it physically makes me cringe to think about it hehdhhdhdhdhhdhdj

Jdjdjfj yeaaa for real hahaha they should hire us

Mufasa

"It can't be that bad" I said before I watched 2h of the worst Disney movie I have ever seen in my life.

Accidentally knocked over my glass of water in my sleep and jumpscared the shit out of me lmaoo havent been up this quickly ever.

Screenshots from Animal Crossing: New Horizons, where the player character is speaking to Beau, an antelope villager. Beau's text reads: "Pizza. Pizza is yes. You know...a lot of the time, I say goofy stuff. Or I make a joke. Not now. Pizza...is yes. And lemme tell ya something. A lotta folks say, "Oh, gross! Pineapple on pizza!" They're just followers. Hating pineapple on pizza is trendy. Like saying you're afraid of clowns, or grossed out by the word "moist." Nobody is any of those things. Someone said it, and other folks repeated it. Gagan [PC name], you're better than that. Be your own person. Know the truth about pizza... Pizza's whatever ya love, man - onions, peppers, pineapple, moist clowns, and hot, melty cheese. Pizza's a dream we sing to ourselves... Pizza. Is. Yes."

Just remembered the Pizza Is Yes dialogue from AC:NH

seriously if whoever worked translation on this line (heck did the original in Japanese? I wonder how different they are?) is somehow on bsky I want you to know your words live on in my heart through the voice of Clyde animal crossing forever

I just tried to scratch off a tiny spot on the stovetop and it made such an awful noise, it made my teeth hurt and I had to shake the noise off for like 2 minutes xDDD #actuallyautistic

Ayo whatsup my back hurts like hell and I probably got a minor concussion from hitting my head on my bunkbed yesterday. Im so fucking tired 🥴✨️

(Still feeling productive tho lol gotta love my drive)