ichris.topher

*walking up to the Human Torch or whatever his name is idk with an unlit cigarette in mouth*

“hey man thanks for being an avenger or whatever hey can I bother you for a sec-“

Yeah I’m fine! I just wore a light sweater but didn’t realize how fucking cold it actually is 🤣🤣because I’m a stupid fuckin idiot who never learns from his mistakes oh my god okay I’m going inside fuckthis

I’d probably love grapes but I haven’t figured them out yet

*old man faints in the park*

Lady: holy shit is there a doctor??

pigeon on the park sign: fuckkk that’s my bread guy

pigeon beside him: which one?

the original pigeon: the guy, on the ground. I said guy, didn’t I?

pigeon beside him: oh yeah right

third pigeon showing up: dudeee our bread guy😭

Personally I’m excited for Hate Island

Job hunting :))

A bottle of Softsoap hand soap. The label features sliced limes and flowers. Inconsistently bolded text intertwined with the graphics reads “WILD BASIL & LIME”

Why does this soap label look like it should be the first book in a trilogy called “The Ryver of Shaedows”

It the clown: Pennywise.

Me: aggghh get away from me!!

The clown from it: Pennywise.

Me: you’re not real! You’re not real!

Scary clown from it: can you fuckin put Pennywise please

WW2 buff: gun gun gun gun weapons weapons bombs

Me: what about the Holoc-

WW2 buff: tanks tanks BIG tanks, very cool tanks

I want to do so well in life that at some point, a portal opens up behind me, where a bunch of Christopher’s walk out and they all look cool and unique, and they ask me to join their council.

Jeremy Strong, known for “Succession” and “The Apprentice, set to portray “giraffe toy in the background of the vids sometimes” in untitled “ichris.topher” Disney+ series.

Source: @movieupdatesandmore

“I fear I actually do this 😭😭” cool, change yourself

Barista: dark roast black for…Clyde

orange ghost from pac-man: yep

idiot friend: ahaha how do you like my new “door mat”?

me, injuring my lower back from tripping over a fucking Daredevil toy: haha I get it

Star Wars alien: goo ka ka jupo licka lickey muon!

Star Wars droid: 6301-74&-7292-zuu zuu!

Star Wars regular guy: and then what happened 😭😭

“Okay great! Lemme get a pen!”

*grabs pen but actually doesn’t because the pen slips out of my fingers and rolls under the couch because I’m a fuckin idiot who can’t hold on to anything and just ruins everything*

server: anddd did you want the sauce on them or on the side?

me: side please-hey are you EVE from that wall-e movie?

server: …no aha why would-

me: *googles plant*
just wait oneeeee sec

drive-thru: hello what can I get for you?

Whale shark out of water: …

drive-thru: …hello?

Whale shark: hold on, I don’t know yet

I think Harry Potter would’ve been better if he was named Dooby instead of Dobby but idk I’m not transphobic

*alien using vending machine before leaving Earth*

“What the fuck, they don’t got Hǔççod?”

*arriving for my evening shift as a 911 operator on Sept. 11 2001*

Coworker that just clocked out:
you just missed the rush aha

doctor: well mr. yoda, we fixed the language center of your brain. you should talk totally normal now

yoda: thanks dude

do you think Stuart Little would have a Cameo page if he was real

We should look at aloe vera the same way Wakanda looks at vibranium

when he (landlord) calls me buddy

I make thunder then i bolt

We don’t make fun of hammerhead sharks enough

car detailing must feel great if you’re a transformer

“I get so embarrassed after I sneeze too loud ahaha”

TikTok people: yeah you def got Gregory YaYah Syndrome :((( I have it too