Brad Rice

You never know true pain until you lose someone... or kidney stones apparently. Apparently kidney stones are a fucking nightmare. I'm gonna go drink a glass of water.

Sometimes in my dreams a wizard will give me advice or tell me an insightful little poem. Anyone else?

The wwe should hire a wrestler that does Samoan drops, power slams, and spears.

The only explanation for the way I'm farting is that someone force fed me 2 Tim Hortons sausage farmers wraps in my sleep

What do you call a dog that likes to be sexually dominated? Subwoofer.

Probably a billion farts happened today

Why don't burger places offer just some plain spicy chicken Ramen noodles as a side? I'd never eat anywhere else

Now I'm learning so much about fancy

So nobody was gonna tell me Fancy by Patsy Cline is sadder and darker than anything Leonard Cohen, Bob Dylan, and Nick Cave ever wrote?

The amount of alcohol I consumed in 2018 easily exceeds the amount of alcohol I have had since 2018

I don't care how much it hurts the next day. I'm back on spicy food.

I don't understand how cheese is made. So you start with milk and then what? Make it cheese?

Noodles and farts both have an "egg" type

They should come out with a vaccine for measles, mumps, OR rubella. And you can spend your life wondering which one you're immune to

You can get your microwave to make some crazy smells if you just start throwing whatever in there

Every unicycle is all-wheel drive

Why do they make visiting Newfoundland sound so much like rushing a frat?

Sometimes the weekend is far away, but somehow always close to a Tuesday

Big audition this weekend for The Hills Have Eyes: The Musical

Pros of working from home: working from home

Con of working from home: fiancee just heard me song the entirety of semi-charmed life in an Elmo voice from my desk

When you ask a guy who has only ever listened to Hotel California what the 91st most common word in song lyrics is: "colitas"

Websites are like, “Forgot your password? Choose a new one to learn, you piece of shit”

It’s nice to know that in the United States a rapist still can’t become Attorney General.

Just president.

I'm so sick of being the only mother fucker losing money on shopify. I'm like "oh shopifys about to pull back? Better buy at the peak."

Shell shocked veteran in 1918 after i went back in my time machine to congratulate them: "World war what?"

I never buy the loss leaders at big box stores because I'm all about maximizing shareholder value

Examples of body horror include the films of David Cronenberg and the part in the Sledgehammer video where Peter Gabriel’s hands turn into sledgehammers and he hits himself in the head with his sledgehammer hands

Vodka sauce is terrible. I think people just like it because it has an edgy name. Why would I want a sauce that tastes like someone else already ate it? #Italian #thoughts #cuisine #opinion

Image of Conan O’Brien.

Image of the Oscars official logo.

Conan O’Brien is set to host the 97th Oscars.

The ceremony will take place March 2nd, 2025.

How come I don't know how ice cream is made? I know I've looked it up before. I think you freeze milk, but it has to be near salt or something? I don't know.