Real as hell, the word puppy triggers a mkultra sleeper agent inside me . And i will KILL THEM.
Okay, so I want to be thinner...
Falls to my knees, head in my hands.
Also...an owl man visited me. Completely unsure what species, there was no real confirmation for either. I'm going to assume a demon/entity due to it asking me not to get an angel involved 😭 though...I'm not sure if they will clash like that, I imagine?
Archangels aren't new. Deities aren't new, ghosts now, entities.
But yesterday I think an angel visited me. I asked, and it just said messenger...same thing, but I'll stick to Messenger.
My intuition has been wonky, and communication has been wonky as well.
I can't tell if I'm delusional or not when things come to me besides asking THEM for confirmation.
It's been nighty and things that I'm not used to.
Oh god, Aphrodite, I am scared, but good, yes, I know. I have aches, but I feel a bit hopeful.
I always wanted to experience I crush. I hope I feel giddy like this the whole time getting to know him. Oh god.
I think I have a crush. Today, we spoke. I feel like I have conquered a mountain, but like... not fully.
I was not rejected. He said he liked how I worded it. Worry less, I will worry less and be a bit more ?
Oh, fate is...
Okay, so. I overdosed, but I'm trying to get better. There are a lot of things I can not understand, but I will try ! 🌻
I struggle with speaking and communicating, and I just straight-up avoid it. It's mostly mirroring when I do. I don't get a lot, there is a lack of want and interest. I am seeing how deeply this has affected almost every connection.
I've always stuggled with emotions and feelings. How I word it is, the first real emotion I felt was love at 19.
I assumed cause trauma, being raped every day seems to do that to someone.
I had no feelings, no interests, I was quiet, and just kept to myself. I had no friends, I never needed one.
Adderall, once more. I feel much better.
Mom made sm pasta, and I want to binge on it ! I feel sick today, too...ahhh, but good day besides that, aa
I think I led him to some sort of coat closet ?
It felt like a part of me shattered last night. Like my connection with him, just severed when I woke up.
He seems ashamed to touch me and look at me. uncomfortable. he says he didn't want to be here. In front of me. He asks me how I changed, and got over us and this?
I guide his hand out the entrance hall, it's decorated brightly. I tell him this is how, as we sneak off together.
I talked to him, and I told him about my life nowadays. I'm more spirtual, I do tarot better now, I'm getting better. Therapy, and that I'm happier now, healing.
I hold him and tell him how much I love him. How I hope he's better now and I will never hate him.
Had a weird dream about my ex fiancee. Like him, not one of his alters, Spencer before he wasn't allowed to front anymore.
He was miserable and sat hunched over. I think he was ashamed? Or defensive, uncomfortable. Some sort of party was happening.
No binge, not unhappy. I ate my maintenance, and I don't feel so guilty about it.
It feels very nice to rely on her. I owe her offering soon, ahhhh.
It's been really really nice working with her, insanely healing too.
BINGE DEFLECTED.
Prayed to Aphrodite, i feel guilty involving her with my Ed, but...i think she's very understanding.
I asked for help too just to eat the amount I needed and to not binge, and sorta strength to eat and not be so...scared to binge.
I ate normally, it was really nice.
I literally gourged myself and cried a few days ago. And i told my family to please not have these types of foods in the house. And just told me they don't care if i binge as long as I eat. And it's making me suicidal.
Can't even tell my therapist about how distressing this is because everyone has this..."Oh, you need to eat, allow yourself,"
WRONG DISORDER 🤤 it's so scary, that they have the ability to give me these pills to save my life, and it will probably be ignored. Brother im bmi 20, I AM OKAY.
Why can I only last 6 days of not binging, at maintainince. I'm not even losing weight. And on MEDICATION, that curbs hunger. Seriously wjat the fuck is wrong with me. I feel miserable about this.
My parents are getting food, and it's stressing me out insanely bad. I am already at 1000 cals today.
I was just hungry and still am hungry. I just know I'm gonna binge. Like, i hate this feeling sm, and I feel like the medicine is not gonna even stop me.
+⠀ ⠀
⠀˚⠀ ⣴⠟⠉⠉⠛⢦⡀⢀⣴⠛⠉⠈⠙⠻⣄
⠀⠀⣼⠃⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠙⠋⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠹⣦
⠀⠀⣿⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣿
⠀⠀⠿⣆⠀ ⠀ -20 lbs ⣰⡆
⠀⠀⠀⢻⣦⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⡼⠃
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠻⢦⣄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣠⡴⠛
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠉⠛⠶⣄⠶⠋ ⠀⠀⠀+. *
It's purely admiring but like jesus fuck okay, she fumbled oh my god.
I hate men, but wow, this dude gives me a lot of hope, HAHA.
Ah, my best friend communicated very well with this lady he's been seeing. She had a very odd outburst, and I procceded to watch him write like 5 paragraphs back to her. Not only sorta destroying whatever odd bout she was on, but clearly trying to talk to her and communicate.
This is so sexy
I ate pasta last night. A BIG fear food, and was able to eat it without guilt. It actually wasn't the best, and me unmedicated would've had a breakdown over so many cals and it not being super yummy.
It's really nice. I ate some chocolate today. I had stored for like months.
Adderall lowkey helping my relationship with food.
The stress and guilt when eating is mostly gone. I don't feel like I'm "slipping." I just feel like i can't enjoy food without being scared I'm gonna binge or overeat.
