Chris Thorburn

Tonight on Scrubs:
*whoosh sfx*
Catch me, my not gay chocolate angel bear! EEEAAAAGLE!
Anyway Mrs Haggerty, the cancer has spread to your brain.
🎵 lights will guide you home 🎵

Fuck your ChatGPT, if I want to see a caricature of myself I will make the effort to go to the seaside and pay £15 for a cruel man to give me body dysmorphia like we’ve always done.

Performed a song I wrote about the short that screened before A Goofy Movie in 1995 cause I’m allowed to do that

In times like these, we need Balloon Writing Guy more than ever

The collective Jackass cast should do the Criterion Closet, which we now know to be a van, while the van goes speeding down the highway careening round corners and the Jackass boys fly into the shelves trying to pick out and discuss art house films the entire time.

The Safdies should make a stressful kids movie about how Santa gets it all done in one night

Being back at my parents got me feeling all sorts of ways. Was just doing dishes and saw a particular fork and said “god I’ve not seen you in a while”

The energy I’m bringing at the dinner table the second someone brings up ChatGPT

The amount of songs that know a key change and sax solo is an option and don’t is a fucking disgrace

At SNL I worked with artists who made the funniest, stupidest graphics in no time flat. Some of my biggest jokes would have been impossible without these geniuses building an insane image or finding the perfect real-life photo of a politician. Sucks that their work is being pushed aside for slop.

Giddy up Jinglehorse, for fucks sake. Pick up your feet, you cunt.

Let this be the motto of the AI movement.

RIP Jay Gatsby, you’d have loved party 4 u by Charli XCX

I’ve been silent about this long enough, seeing ITVX programming on Disney+ makes me sick to my stomach.

We did it everyone. We made men embarrassed to read books by women in public once again. Great work.

*Chris de Burgh voice*

I’m sorry you think I “ruined” your Gatsby-themed party by sleeping with your wife and dying in the pool.

Me: I feel like maybe I don't allow myself to be happy because deep down there's a part of me that believes I don't deserve to be, you know?
Dr Loomis: *scribbling notes* dead eyes pure evil

They say A.I. can replace our jobs but I’d like to see A.I. quickly burn out and make the overall environment toxic.

Okay I’m being told that’s the main thing it does.

Waiting patiently for my 3G to search and save Don Draper I Don’t Think About You At All Meme so I can win this argument.

I can’t help but notice you’ve not immediately paid me for the invoice it took me seven months to get round to sending you.

IT’S ALIVE

Head barista: So I'm thinking we offer rolls, full breakfasts, hot drinks to sit in or takeaway...

Tim Robinson character in the back: yeah and what if the whole cafe could be dracula themed

some awful nice timbers you’ve got there

be a shame if someone were to

shiver them

Dinner
- CANNOT have the same thing twice in 1 week or so help me god
- Need veg, protein, carbs, all the groups
- Need to clean 8 dishes
- All day's been leading up to this, don't fuck it up

Breakfast
- Same shit every day
- Hot coffee
- Cereal
- Smash hit every time
- The best

There is an epidemic amongst young men and it’s looking at your phone at the urinal. Look at you, you’re doing it right now.