54 is binging and calling it recovery

I will never understand Google's codebase. What do you mean you can't connect to the network, I asked you to access a file that is On My Device. I don't need to "try again in a few minutes," you need to let me use the file that is literally stored Locally.

What do you mean pretend? Your check engine light isn't on.

I wouldn't agree that it's predator behavior, but also the way the test is creates anomalies re: Vanilla.
Specifically, it can give high vanilla scores alongside high other scores. I don't know his exact results, so it might not be that way, but it's always worth noting.

People do this in the gym bathroom all the Damn time. And it's explicitly in gym policy (and three different signs) No audio without headphones, Phone calls in lobby only. I'm always tempted to TTS that part of the gym use agreement every time.

Yeah, they forgot to stylize it. Too realistic.

Looks the same to me! /s

We aren't nobody Ashlee. We see you as a girl. An interesting and pretty one too. And you're being mean to our friend by claiming that she isn't those things.

Ditto. I still post on main occasionally (mostly random jokes that pop in my head), but IRL people know of the account and that it's me.
Here, I'm sure someone who knows me well, or at least my stuffed animals, could figure it out. But, they'd have to find this one.

Because staying out in the world on my own recognizance was a mistake. Straight up, a mistake. Haven't found a good one yet, but I'm still looking.
So, if I disappear again because I snapped, I'm probably in the ward. If it's for another reason, I'm likely out, but that's implied.

I hate knowing that I'm capable of anything remotely close to that. And it scares me knowing that much power is in my hands. I shouldn't have that. Genuinely.
It's sparked me to look around my new town for a psych ward. I'm not going in currently, but for future use.

Mostly because my thoughts after seeing that were "what if this were a person?" Because I would have likely been able to hurt someone, like severely. And if I had, I definitely couldn't live with myself. It horrifies me to think that now. In the moment, it felt like a higher power overrid my brain.

I know adrenaline lets people do things like that in life-threatening situations. But in frustration?
There's zero chance I should be able to do that. Lift my car using the front wheels as a pivot? Unthinkable.
It shook me enough to calm down though.

Like the "heave-ho" motion when you're trying to get something unstuck/move something heavy.
Anyway, I kinda snapped out of it from doing this. Because I realized I lifted the back wheels off the ground. My car is 4890 Lbs (2218 Kg) Gross. And stuffed with my things.

Well, I got the door to accept that it was closed, and as I was walking back to get in, the car beeped to tell me that my door is open.
I was behind the car at this point, and I wasn't thinking, so I pushed against the trunk. Upwards, slightly, but against it. And I just shook it? Not the right word

Anyway, I mostly kept/keep to myself, so I didn't blow up on anyone, but I did on something. My car did the "door is open, despite physical being closed" thing. And I had to get out, go around, and open/shut the door until it figured itself out. Common when it flares up, annoying, but normal.

But to make this whole explosion worse, I, when I get strong emotions (anger, generally, but it's happened with several) get hives. Like some sorta allergic reaction. So most of the week I was itchy. And you know what pisses me off? Being itchy. So calming down was, to put it bluntly, Hard.

Circling back, most of my redirection was to exercise, so I kinda lied saying I've been avoiding exercising. I have, barring things like this. I feel the need to clarify, because I just realized I kinda misconstrued it.

And what sucks is that I see both sides. Like, I could see myself going either way. And I'm bad at decision-making. Usually if I make a choice, it's so lopsided that it's barely a choice. But here, I'm torn. And honestly, whichever choice, I'll later regret it, and take the other one, in a loop.

But the disordered option is to take advantage of this. Because, no one can really notice weight loss if the same clothes fit. I don't wear anything revealing, sure, it'll drape, but it kinda does anyway. And I can still get thinner arms and thighs, which are big insecurities.

And I knew this would happen eventually. Like, my ribs were feel-able at my HW, so that's not surprising, but definitely disappointing.
So this leaves me two options. The sane option is to just recover. Like, this is rock bottom for size, just accept it, and move on.

And like, objectively, this should be a victory. Like, I'm "as small as possible," which, on the surface is THE 4n4 win.
But it feels like loss. I'm, as of Friday, 205.2 Lbs (93 kg). BMI 29. I'm massive, genuinely. Like, my first (highest) GW is 60+ Lb (27+ Kg) lower than I am RN.

I took this poorly, to put it nicely. I know I tend to be explosive, temper-wise, and I was able to redirect this (mostly, I'll circle back, cuz I did some shit), but I did have to stay off of here, so I didn't blow up on y'all (you don't deserve that, I assure you).

Well, here's the problem. I'm wearing the smallest clothes that'll fit. Period. Ever. Bone doesn't shrink. And despite having intentionally avoiding exercising since Sept, my calves are the same size. Barring some illness or whatever causing me to lose muscle, there's no "smaller clothes" for me.

I brought my measuring tape, so I could check what I'd need to be to fit the clothes (so I'd have the pressure of "get it before it's gone. Dumb in hindsight, I know).
So I measured a few areas of me and the clothes... Of note here, underbust, and calves. Which, one is muscle, the other bone.

TW: Numbers
Alright, so I'mma be as short as possible here, but I'm at a bit of an impasse. Will tell the story for context purposes.
I decided on Friday to go clothes shopping, to get clothes a size down from what I currently wear (Literally trying to trigger myself. Bad idea, I know).

Sorry for disappearing/swarming y'all with like notifs.
Was a bit mentally out of it this past week. I will post a thread about it at some point, but it's 3 A.M. RN.
Also, bluesky needs to add a feature to let me bookmark where I left off on my following tab, so I don't gotta scroll for millennia.

It definitely has changed. It's different between my phone and tablet lol.

So, I was at the gym just now, and when I checked in at the front desk, a new guy called me my birth name.
My birth name hasn't been my legal name in over a decade. Wasn't on any paperwork the gym has.
And I was on the other side of the country back then.
Bro literally just guessed it. WTF?

having a wider rib cage is awful i hate genetics