we did it you guys we saved daylight
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
I’m worried my phone isn’t listening to me anymore
“I think we’re going to play ‘broken telephone’ today”
“That’s not what I heard”
Curling is mostly trying to get your opponents rocks off
I forgot Valentine’s Day and I don’t have the heart to tell her
This chef at the brunch buffet is giving me the crêpes
[to the tune of 'Paperback Writer']
🎶 Superbowl Sunday
My chess teacher refuses to be paid by check
Groundhog Day is an “emerge ‘n see”
For me, it’s either an ‘everything shower’ or a ‘nothing shower’ there is no in between
Snow angels aren’t as fun once you realize each marks a snowman’s grave
Tattoine = lukewarm
Hoth = Luke cold
It was a hell of a battle though
When I first found out about static electricity it came as a shock
I got DoorDash from the all you can eat buffet and just kept sending the driver back for more
Things were so good in the 80’s Tina Turner sang about the glut of heroes
Will we be celebrating New Year’s Eve? I’m counting on it
'Kung-Fu Fighting' is a Christmas song- it begins “oh, ho ho ho!”
*Santa rushing home to take his infamous post-Christmas piss*
Frosty the snowman’s acceptance of his own mortality is a nice touch in this Christmas classic ☃️
*Mrs. Claus constantly refreshing the 'Santa Tracker'*
“Maya Rudolph!” - Santa Claus (Italian)
Writing a ‘Gremlins’ movie where the protagonist follows the rules and just has a fun time playing with a cute as hell Mogwai
Charging Santa a small ‘cookie and milk’ fee this year
Wife: I might do some wrapping
Me: Do you need me to lay down a sick beat?
Wife:*filling out divorce papers*
Turkey for Thanksgiving is a great start- anything on top of that is gravy
Naming my child ‘Terms & Conditions’ so they will be accepted without question
The double negative in the lyric 'I ain't afraid of no ghosts' is problematic and here's why
Halloween is a dead give-away
