Bag of mini eggs and a vitamin tablet, breakfast of champions.
Markwayne Mullin sounds like a made-up serial killer name in a bad crime show.
“Forever 21” but it’s my defense mechanism when any pop culture reference makes me feel ancient.
Frost heaves are NOT a description of Robert Frost on a bender and I’m disappointed.
My OnlyFans is just grainy footage of me cataloguing my collection of toenail clippings in order of size and age.
Thrown out of Build-a-Bear again for, "playing God and"...hold on, let me read the report, "manufacturing abominations."
What if Sex and the City was Terry Bradshaw instead of Carrie Bradshaw
The state of the union? Fucked. There, now you don’t have to watch the damned thing.
Whenever someone blocks me, I block them back harder and I think it’s funny that they don’t even realize I’m winning.
SSRIs are currently the pack mules of our society
aioli is the sound of pain the garlic makes when you crush their little souls into pulp
I named my puppy Kurt Cobain. He knows sit, shake, roll over, and come as you are
hot theys in your area are sleepy and sore
Only 2 beers always from the “bartender is totally into me” level of intoxication.
Take heart, Friday the 13th only occurs three times in 2026!
A Friday the 13th right before Valentine’s Day is so on brand for 2026.
10:30 and not one shitty thing has happened in my personal orbit.
Still waiting for Microsoft Teams notifications to be classified as domestic terrorism.
we have arrived at my favorite time of day
It’s called fuck this shit o’clock
TGIF said everyone. Their livers, however, felt quite different…
fraggle rock implies the existence of fraggle jazz and fraggle rap
“Same, Internet. Same.”
- me when my computer tells me that my Internet is Unstable
Can’t. Trying to find the balance of facial hair that’s cool yet not psychotic energy
"Hot girl summer" used to mean tossing a virgin into a volcano as a sacrifice to appease the gods. We've fallen so far as a society
I just had a 2nd energy drink. My heart has started beating at the exact tempo of a 2004 drum and bass set.I can now hear the color purple and I’ve successfully replied to every email I’ll receive for the next three years
When this era ends, Kristi Noem will be huddled under a bridge somewhere demanding payment in Botox for letting travelers pass.
Remember the good old days when black ice was the scariest ice you had to worry about?
I know you all secretly love my posts. Silence is just another form of admiration.
my ignorance is a choice whats your excuse
