Martin

I've been in a bad headspace recently. You wouldn't think, from how deeply dark my hole was, that I'd ever be able to get out of it without a lot of psychological counseling...

But, it seems like all it took was some gentle cuddling & attention from my husband. I feel so much better.

Thank you.

All the "special activities" that he now says that he has always liked to do are mostly things that he usually said he didn't like when I suggested them, but either he was lying or his tastes have changed drastically.

I am beginning to suspect that I never really ever knew him at all.

I'm slowly but finally coming to the realization that I'm not even close to what he likes to look at.

I send him pics drawn from multiple sources, because I know what kind of pictures he likes, none of them look anything like me.

The stuff he likes is very specific. I've never matched it at all.

If I fall into one of my emotional outbursts/sobfests & you are present, then please just hold me tightly until I stop bawling.

I won't think to ask for it at the time, and I might even try to push you away, because I fear that I'm not worth the effort. (My brain knows that I am, though.)

you know what's interesting is i don't often reach out to people just to say hey because i didn't want to be a bother.

I've somehow built into my psyche the idea that even reminding people i exist is somehow an inconvenience to them.

i think that's partly why i go dormant on discord

I hate the fact that I still can't regulate my emotions properly.

I know that it's mostly the lack of quality sleep & the pain after the surgery, but it doesn't make it any easier to handle.

I will frequently find myself bawling my eyes out over what anyone else would consider nothing.

I'm sitting here, crying my eyes out for the umpteenth time, for no real reason mind you, & my cat, Jellybean, rubbed my face to calm me down.

It helped to dry my tears,but it didn't really do anything to stop the pain inside my head.

He's such a sweet cat. He loves his daddy. He's keeping guard.

I know it's all in my head, but it just doesn't slow down, or get quiet, or let up even for a second.

Why is my brain still doing this to me?

Why can't I even pretend to be happy right now?

I've been trying to smile, just for the sake of those around me, and I can't even manage that.

Fuck.

Happy 50th birthday to my beloved husband, Harley aka grumpybadger420.bsky.social.

I hope that you have the best day of your life (so far), and get everything that you've ever wanted.

You deserve the best that life has to offer.

I have no right to be upset. I drove him to this.
I told him to forget about me, and what we had, and to focus on what really matters to him.
All he's doing is what I encouraged him to do.
I have no right to be upset.
He's doing what's best for them.
He's doing the right thing
I'm the asshole.

I want to feel something again that isn't pain or sadness or loneliness.

I can't find it in my empty bed.

I can't find it online at 2am.

I can't find it in a TV show or in a movie.

I can't find it with my husband while he's splitting his time between the 2 of us.

Where do I look next?

Happy Birthday!

If you've had to suffer through one of my emotional outbursts, usually of a self-hating/melancholy sobfest, then I'm sorry.

I'm still having trouble avoiding them & when they happen, it's still pretty difficult to stop them in their tracks, but I am trying.

Please be patient. I'm doing my best.

"Yes, sir. You're right, sir. I'm sorry, sir."

If you hear this, then you've won, you've broken me, I'm done, and I've give up on our discussion, argument, fight or power struggle.

I just want it to end, and am willing to just give you what you want if it just stops this altogether.

Wish I could be your bottom one of these days. You guys are so hot spitroasting guys.

So hot. Wish I was your bottom too.

So hot

Yesterday was my birthday.
I spent all day w/ 2 of the most important people in my life, who I love dearly.

We did some important activities for me, including visiting a comic book store.

Then, we had dinner at Olive Garden, when they & our server, Haley, sang to me.

Best birthday in decades.

TY

Thank you, my friend. I love you.

Raw is law.

I'll always love you.

This is probably one of the few holes that I have ever actually wanted to breed. Not just wanted, but badly wanted to breed. It's as close to perfect as a hole can get.

That's a mighty fine cock you have there, boy.

Such a beautiful man. Swoon.

Only every second of every day for the rest of my life.

That's easily the sexiest cock that I've ever seen. NGL

Things are getting better. My emotional outbursts are either slowing down or I'm better able to stop them b4 they start.

I know they both care & they're both trying to be patient w/me & I appreciate it more than I can express adequately to either of them, but I think they know.

I love you both.

He really doesn't want to hurt me, any more that I want to hurt him.

When something that I do hurts him, I just come to a full stop.

But, he keeps going, because it's what he wants to do. It's something that makes him happy, so why *should* he just stop? Just because it hurts me?

Why bother?

I can't really tell him how I feel because then he feels depression level bad about himself.

I don't want that.

It's my fault anyway, because I could see that this made him happy.

I just want him to be happy, even if he's not with me.

Out with old & in with the new. It's just a matter of time.

Woke up from a horrific nightmare around 3:30am. Panicked because he wasn't in bed next to me.

Remembered why.

Started to call, and even actually texted, but then deleted the text.

Realized that this is the new normal and that I'm going to die alone. Finally cried myself back to sleep.

Progress?