Do worms know we dedicated a special dance move to them
Blade RUNNER? Not around the pool, I hope
[Applebees, the ides of March, 44BC]
Caesar: i’ll have the salad
Cleopatra: me too, it’s my salad day
Waiter: et tu, brute ?
Brutus: *opens napkin* oh great. no knife
Caesar: what
Brutus: what
I’m no accountant so when I do my taxes I put on some Violent Femmes and hope for the best
I’d get along with most everyone, but that’s hard to do when everyone else has standards
I figure I was approx 50% you friggin punk and 40% fuck yeah at that kid who passed me in a Dodge Charger yesterday. The other 10% was an REO Speedwagon song
My wife says I lack imagination, she’s clearly forgetting how effectively I can improvise when I can’t find a bottle opener.
one time me & my family were watching the maury povich show on tv when suddenly my grandma came back from the dead in the form of a carpet cleaning commercial just to tell us that sammy hagar’s i can’t drive 55 is the national anthem in heaven.
It’s hard to blame woke DEI when the military is losing a war because of the straits.
My daughter uses sound clips in her videos and I'm pretty sure I saw them live and she's got me digging through crazy weird memories
That's the curse of being there, by the time it's important to remember you can't
Oh lawd
I'm a 51yo cis dude but sometimes I dance like Kathleen Hanna in that Sonic Youth Bull in the Heather video
Please note most federal grants *required* information on how the grants would benefit underserved or understudied groups. If you applied for a grant, you *had to* include something that would speak to diversity and equity.
I'm not in a good mood.
Ever.
I have invented a new kind of pinball machine that is completely silent, enabling enthusiasts to play their favorite games during staff meetings, religious services, & other events entirely undetected.
Julie is short for Julith. I was named after my aunt Samantha who had a friend that sold kites in the park who wished my parents named me Amber.
Girl, are you the Strait of Hormuz? Because I really want you to open up, but you keep threatening to shoot me.
Watching the sunset is like getting a forehead kiss from the sky.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough, you can pretend you have laser-eyes
So, he picked the peppers after they were pickled?
It’s not a plot hole that Elmo has been 3 years old for 50 years. He was bitten by The Count, willingly. Elmo asked for the Dark Gift
Most of your pet pictures are better looking than your selfies.
They're calling it the dumbest air campaign of all time
a crab and a lobster are the same creature but one is in landscape and the other is in portrait mode
nope... should I check it out?
elton john: ♫hold me closer tiny dancer
tiny dancer: *hanging onto elton’s pant leg* ᵒʰ ˢʰⁱᵗ ᵒʰ ᶠᵘᶜᵏ
I don’t have a mood that can’t be expressed by slide whistle
