Trump: what are you…a 44? 46?
Marco: sir, no. No sir I’m a 3-
Trump: You’re gonna love these. They’re lined with fleece. Feels good on the little seam. You know the seam? The ball seam? Right in the middle.
Marco: sir, I have underw-
Trump: nonsense, we’re gonna get you some
Sorry, boss. Can’t come in tomorrow. FBI’s hearin chatter says eye-ran’s gonna shoot a drone right up my ass.
"We're gonna put an oil tanker up Phil's ass"
hi i’m johnny knoxville and this is stand up paddle boarding the straight of hormuz
Goddammit ya beat me by like two hours on Twitter 🫡
“Hi, I’m Johnny Knoxville. Welcome to the Strait of Hormuz.”
“Hi, I’m Johnny Knoxville. Welcome to the Strait of Hormuz.”
Learnt some Skynyrd at practice tonight
I’m developing an Ai chatbot that only calls you “Big Dawg.” He’ll convincingly seem interested in how your fantasy lineup did this week and analyze your communications with other chatbots to talk you out of strapping a bomb to your neighbor’s Pomeranian in order to “ascend.”
Born on this day: James Earl Ray (1928–1998) was an American fugitive who pleaded guilty to assassinating Martin Luther King Jr. in 1968. Captured in London after fleeing the U.S. he later recanted, spending decades pursuing failed appeals until his death in prison
Me, watching Gorillaz on SNL, remembering when that song came out 25 years ago:
Ayy baby ya know I got that uhh, that Pierogi’s disease? The one that makes your dick curve up? Lemme talk to ya
I’m no expert but I’m pretty sure this is how you get 9/11: the sequel
I’m no expert but I’m pretty sure this is how you get 9/11: the sequel
Possibly the most handsome man of all time. Unreal chad.
All I know is the absolute worst people America has to offer have wanted war with Iran as long as I’ve been alive so it’s pretty easy for me to be against it.
The fake email job pyramid scheme is collapsing. America’s empire will run solely on the backs of Cracker Barrel waitresses, Twitch streamers, DoorDash drivers and solar panel companies that will be out of business in 8 months.
Me to Paul Newman’s family at the funeral: may his memory be a dressing
Life is what happens between successful bowel movements.
My husband in his group chat:
Me to Paul Newman’s family at the funeral: may his memory be a dressing
I got 49 grams today nbd 💅
i regret to inform everyone that i’ve lost THIRTY pounds and fixed my blood thanks to encouragement from the fiber daddy
I shit you not (pun very much intended)… the positive impact of fiber on cholesterol is what got my stepdad off the carnivore diet and the cardiologist off his back.
Regularity mogging
Inspired by @kavehmd.bsky.social
Go follow
Meat slop is out. We’re fiber-maxxing now We’re getting grainpilled. We’re not mewing protein, we’re chewing bran. Three squares a day straight from the heartland. Got blood work done last week and my bad cholesterol it in half.
When you’re as big a loudmouth as I am and look as mean as I do people don’t fuck with you. I work at a car dealership with mechanics and body shop guys. They don’t say shit.
Ok unironically I’ve lost 20 lbs and say it’s because I’m fibermaxing 🤪
every morning at dawn I am born as a human infant from a perfect American cow and spend three hours drinking its milk; by midday I am grown again, and every night I die.
