Glen Weldon

We’re not just losing great critics and great writers - we’re all of us losing the full lived experience of filmgoing. Its context. Its value. Its meaning.

Reading great critics like Michael enriches the experience of seeing the movie in question. It makes movies more satisfying, substantial and enjoyable or challenges your perceptions and causes you to re-asses.

Unfortunately, making life appreciably and objectively better isn’t measured with clicks.

She’s Ms. Today.

She’s Ms. Where It’s At.

She’s Ms. Groovy.

She’s …

MS NOW

YouTube video by MrElfgard Pointer Sisters - Fire

The sisters Pointer agree with me.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=K9S5...

To be clear:

How many syllables? One.

How do you pronounce it? Fah-yer.

Which is TWO SYLLABLES SEPARATED BY A GODDAMN HYPHEN.

Make it make sense. You cannot.

Fi-yur.

Playing POETRY FOR NEANDERTHALS in which you can only give single-syllable words as clues, or get bonked on the head and forfeit the clue.

Opposing team used “fire” as a clue. I, dutifully, bonked them.

They protested: Consulted the How Many Syllables website, said this:

Woody Guthrie, a musical artist, wrote THIS MACHINE KILLS FASCISTS on his guitar.

Somewhere in DC, a Subway Sandwich Artist is writing THIS FOOTLONG CHICKEN TERIYAKI SUB MAKES FASCISTS BRUSH SOME TOMATOES AND ONIONS OFF THEIR KEVLAR VESTS BEFORE THEY STAIN on a sandwich wrapper

When I admit I don’t know who the fuck any of these people are this time I will not be old and out of touch with the pitched banality of reality culture I will simply be a person like any other person I will be free

Biopsy update!

Not a hemangioma, but in fact a hidrocystoma!

So: not a blood vessel tumor, but a sweat gland tumor!

Benign, thankfully!

I have no idea what to do with this updated information, save to acknowledge its abiding grossness/coolness!

“… The Calvin Peeing On Stuff Car Window Decal!”

“Honor. Courage. A passionate belief in the power of art to unite us, to lift us up, to bring us in touch with that aspect of the divine which resides within every one of us. They’re the reason we have gathered tonight to honor this next artist, this statesman, this legend.

Ladies and gentlemen …

Girding loins for cutaway shots of Pepe the Frog tearing up in the balcony as the Stephen Miller Dancers honor him with a dance ballet called “Owning the Libs”

I’m older now & thicker; whenever I make it into HQ these days, I realize what I’d denied myself for so long — the simple comfort of hearing her say “Fourth Floor” at the start of a workday and “Lobby” at the end of it.

Her presence is centering, calming, downright inspiring. Now more than ever.

Susan Stamberg, iconic NPR voice and broadcast journalism legend, is retiring

Legend. Icon. The greatest.

Hers is the voice of the NPR HQ elevators.

Before the pandemic I was Tiresome Fitness Guy(tm) who never took the elevator.

www.npr.org/sections/npr...

“It WILL ooze,” he said.

So cool so gross! Both at once!

Doc removed a marble-sized deep hemangioma from behind my right ear that’s been there for 30 years.

Showed it to me, and it’s all I want to talk about because it was so cool and so gross, both at once, inextricably linked.

Looked like a tiny red heart.

I’ll have a facelift scar. On one side.

Old and Busted: The White House Rose Garden

New Hotness: The White House Featureless Cement Patio aka La Piazza del Melanoma

Don’t worry, we finally fixed it today, by changing the decor from “Getting Railed in a Golden Corral Men’s Room” to “Getting Railed in a Four Seasons Men’s Spa.”

The guy who owned our house before us was heterosexual.

How do I know?

This. This is how I know.

WEAPONS hits you square in the cul de sac. See it with a crowd. Go in knowing nothing.

Except maybe this: Be assured that the many many questions raised in the opening minutes get answered. Eventually. In ways you definitely won’t see coming.

It lands the plane. In creepy (and funny) ways.

I’ve lost my drum
I’ve lost my Indian drum
I’ve lost my drum
I’ve lost my Indian drum

I have your drum
Your drum is mine
I have your drum
She’s doing fine

Both THE GILDED AGE and AND JUST LIKE THAT telegraph every single plot development three episodes before it happens, which ok yes is technically period-appropriate for GILDED AGE I guess but what the hell is AJLT’s excuse I ask you they have internet

On the old bad site this demi-joke would have won the nerd peabody

“The streets - we love our streets don’t we - are extended gutters & the gutters are full of blood - the best blood, the most gorgeous blood, everyone is saying - & when the drains finally scab over, all the vermin - on both sides - will come up to me with tears in their eyes and say ‘Mr. Preside-‘“

I believed in humanity. Then I learned that the PCHH episode where we discussed Eurovision was one of our least listened-to.

Guys there’s just. There’s just no coming back from this.

Also this NPR employee bark-laughed at the NPR joke.

NAKED GUN thoughts:

1. Solid! Joke hit rate 57%.

2. Not enough PW Hauser.

3. That Pamela Anderson singing bit is not an Enrico Palazzo joke, it’s a Kim Cattrall joke.

4. Speaking of: The Miranda Rights joke is a perfect joke that has been waiting, aching to be made; a universal vacuum is filled.

“I herald … Freddie Mercury and Queen.”

“I herald … my mom.”

“I herald … chamomile tea.”

“I herald … hand-written letters.”

When that chorus kicks in so satisfyingly you can’t help but miss the chorus singing “SU-PER-MAN” from the Williams score or “BAT-MAN” from the Elfman score.

Have the courage of your convictions. Do it. We’re all singing it in our heads.

Your first night with a C-PAP machine either turns you into a guy who shouts “I AM GOTHAM’S RECKONING” to your bored husband or a guy who re-enacts John Hurt getting facehugged to your bored husband.

Me?

A little from column A, a little from column B.