‼️ATTENTION MALL SHOPPERS‼️
Effective immediately:
The haunted doll is now Employee of the Month.
Marco is banned from investigating the vents.
If you hear the mannequins whispering, no you didn’t.
We are absolutely a real mall.
Any questions?
Mall walking is a sport. We support all athletes, especially the 6 AM grandmas crushing their step goals.
Academy, we see you. Just like the mannequins see all of us.
BREAKING: Oviedo Mall was not invited to the Oscars. Again.
Despite our incredible performances in:
Best Original Panic (Marco, lost in the back hallways)
Best Supporting Haunted Doll (She’s always watching.)
Best Visual Effects (The food court exit that wasn’t there yesterday.)
The back hallway smells like ozone. Rachel says that means something has been here. Tobias won’t say what. The haunted doll turned her head just a little too far when we asked. Anyway, happy Tuesday!
Dear Manager,
This week:
1. Marco found a 6th mall entrance. We ignored it.
2. Cassie made peace with the mannequins. For now.
3. Tobias trapped something in the vents.
4. Rachel tested every massage chair.
5. The haunted doll updated the website.
Thank you,
The Interns
Learned today that knowing the mall social media guy is apparently a flex in some Orlando circles. Special shoutout to my Epic Universe fans—didn’t realize I had a fan club, but if y’all want to build me a dark ride, I won’t stop you.
Lost & Found update: One Bluetooth speaker blasting Eye of the Tiger, a single aviator sunglass lens, and what Marco claims is “an ancient mall relic” (it’s a broken fidget spinner).
The arcade is not a babysitting service. We repeat: THE ARCADE IS NOT A BABYSITTING SERVICE.
To the person hosting karaoke in the parking lot: your spirit is admired, your pitch is not.
Have you pre-ordered this definitely not cursed collection of poetry yet? The Sears Demon™️ will be pleased.
a.co/d/3wn1Vr0
We don’t know where the candy store used to be. No one does. It’s part of the mystery now.
The mall music cut out for exactly 13 seconds. In the silence, we all heard the haunted doll laugh.
We have to come clean. We took out the Duolingo Owl. It was the only way to bring the world back to the glory of the '90s. Mall culture will rise again. Food courts will thrive. Arcades will reign. You’re welcome.
🚨 ATTENTION LAST-MINUTE LOVERS: There’s still time to find love (or at least someone who will share a soft pretzel with you) before Valentine’s Day.
Worst case? You could always fall for a slightly unhinged mall social media manager. DMs open. 💌
The Duolingo Owl is dead. The haunted doll was present. We are not asking questions.
Happy Season Finale of Football Day to all who celebrate!
Who are we voting for?
🚨 UPDATE: The haunted doll has returned. We did not ask where it was. It knows we are afraid. It is enjoying this.
The Sears Demon™️ wants you to know there’s a great deal on clearance items today. We don’t know what that means. Come find out.
ATTENTION: The mall river is now running in reverse. The coins are slowly rising back to the surface. Someone or something has denied the wishes.
"You're so funny." Thanks, I’m a mall social media manager who answers customer complaints about store lights flickering with a straight face, while secretly wondering if they’ve spotted the other dimension.
If you hear a voice over the intercom offering "deals beyond your comprehension," DO NOT LISTEN. That is not a store promotion. That is the Sears Demon™️.
A new exit appeared in the food court. It is not on the blueprints. No one who has gone through has returned. Marco wants to investigate. We support him from a safe distance.
We don’t care what TikTok said. The photo booth is not a portal to another dimension. It barely prints pictures.
The haunted doll has been missing for three days. Mall security says they are “not concerned,” which is exactly what someone who has already been replaced by the doll would say.
Lost and found update: If you lost a single Heely and a very aggressive note about Auntie Anne’s pretzel prices, please see the management office.
Huh... look at us outlasting Seminole Towne Center
Good morning to everyone except the guy who tried to skateboard down the escalator. You are not Tony Hawk. You are not even Tony Pigeon. Security is watching.
BIG NEWS: The Lamenting Mallrats Society is now available for pre-order! Finally, a poetry collection that asks, “What if your mall is alive and also kind of hungry?”
Buy it now before the mall finds you first.
a.co/d/4HnOa56
ATTENTION SHOPPERS:
If you hear whispering from the former Bath & Body Works store:
Do NOT investigate.
Do NOT attempt to identify the voice.
The voice will attempt to bargain.
It will offer you 30% off a three-wick candle.
This is NOT a deal.
Walk away.
