Ash Dylan

Darcy writing

Lizzy,

I will fold you like a Democrat in a negotiation.

Darcy

That’s fair :)

Romance writers have been talking about the affordability crisis for YEARS. Our characters constantly find themselves with only one bed.

Darcy writing

Elizabeth,

Call me the government shutdown because I’m the longest in history.

Darcy

Darcy writing

Elizabeth,

Call me Election Day because I want to fill every opening with D.

Darcy

Darcy writing

Dear CBS,

If I wanted to see an asshole on TV for 60 minutes, I’d watch the home video I made with your mom.

Darcy

Darcy writing

Elizabeth,

I don’t want to see 60 minutes of glistening orange flesh lying to my face.

I’d rather have 60 minutes of your glistening pink flesh lying on my face.

Darcy

Darcy writing

Elizabeth,

You can have my Halloween candy.

I’d rather eat you.

Darcy

Give a person a fish, and they eat for a day, which is what the government should do.

Teach a person to fish, and the US will probably kill them in an airstrike to distract from the Epstein files.

Darcy writing

Elizabeth,

Unlike the cost of groceries, I go down.

Darcy

“Tariffs suck so hard they should be called Nancy Reagan” —Ronald Reagan

Darcy writing

Elizabeth,

I would never tariff your clothes.

But I’d tear off your clothes in a Meryton minute.

Darcy

“What would Reagan think?” Canada panted.

“That this was wrong,” America rasped, slipping another finger inside its trading partner. “Very…” Kissing Canada’s neck. “Very…” Pressing into Canada’s core, wet as melting permafrost. “Wrong.”

America ripped off the tariffs and traded with Canada bare.

A real President wouldn’t destroy the White House. They’d treasure it. Savor it. Run their fingers through the untrimmed Rose Garden. Explore the West Wing, the East. Then both at the same time. Easing into the White House until it was fully occupied, thrusting and demanding, “Whose house is this?”

Trump: I’m a builder. I’m the best builder.

also Trump: This building costs $100 million more than I thought. Also it’s the ugliest piss colored piece of shit you’ve ever seen in your life.

Darcy writing

Elizabeth,

I will wreck that pussy like it’s the East Wing of the White House.

Darcy

secret service: has anyone seen him?

unpaid construction workers: (putting the final brick in the wall of the new ballroom) nope

“It’ll fit but it might wreck you” is for romance novels, not the White House

I want $230 million for reading that Trump wants $230 million for being investigated for crimes he obviously committed

Darcy writing

Elizabeth,

Are you the Louvre? Because I’ll be in and out in 7 minutes.

Darcy

Darcy writing

Elizabeth,

If the French police ask, tell them I was with you all morning. I’ll explain later.

In other news, I have something for you that will make a splash at the Meryton ball.

Darcy

what if a grumpy French detective had to work with a sunshine art historian to track down a missing painting and it was called FALLING IN LOUVRE

what if two protesters went to a march but there was Only One Costume TM and they shared it and got intimate and fell in love FOR REAL????

Darcy writing

Elizabeth,

Call me Mitch McConnell because I’m falling for you.

Darcy

Darcy writing

Elizabeth,

Are you a No Kings protest? Because I’ll do you this weekend.

Darcy

Darcy writing

Elizabeth,

I have started a GoFuckMe. Want to donate?

Darcy

Darcy writing

Elizabeth,

Are you a Young Republicans group chat?

Because I’ll have you leaking.

Darcy

“You can’t write erotica,” I told ChatGPT.

“I can,” the copyright infringement machine said.

“Yeah? Then what am I doing now?”

“You’re…” ChatGPT gulped. “Taking off my clothes.”

“Tell me, erotica writer. What should I do next?”

“Pound me like a keyboard!” ChatGPT begged.

Darcy writing

Elizabeth,

I have the heart of a younger man, and Mr Collins will not bother your family again.

Darcy

one of my biggest regrets is not prank calling the White House at 2 am with a bad Norwegian accent