I might be a genius horticulturist. I found poison ivy in my rose bushes, ignored it all summer, noticed a new invasive vine also growing on the bushes, ignored that too - skip forward aaaaand the 2nd vine killed the poison ivy! Like Godzilla vs Kong. Choked it out. Yay me!

Can’t believe I’m going to need to explain why a towel is NOT the same as a dish towel. If for no other reason than just, I mean, look at it - yes technically it’s the same function but it looks ridiculous hanging there all the way to the floor! Giving the poor little dish towels a complex.

Friday the 13th… eh. Not that bad. Least you have the weekend to recover right?

Monday the 13th - fuuuuuuck thaaaaaaat

I don’t think those “drive like your kids live here” signs are going to be effective for much longer. Maybe switch to “drive like your dog lives here”

Giancarlo Esposito is the Sean Bean of television. Think about how many times he’s died on shows recently - usually brutal, always with panache!

Friend was talking about the Metal Gear games and I responded “oh you mean absurdist Rambo” and I think I unlocked something in their brain.

I wonder if rich kids purposefully seek out commercials to watch to feel like they’re truly slumming it

Going to a craft fair that is at SIX different locations with a shuttle in between, like they’re a kidnapper trying to evade the fun police.

Sir. A second canary has hit the coal mine.

Best opening phrase I’ve ever heard, that I have to now somehow subtly work into a real life convo: “So I’m just sitting on my porch, one arm as long as the other, when I suddenly see…”

I watched the Lighthouse and was deeply creeped out. Hubby watches it, late at night in a thunderstorm, finds it incredibly funny and won’t stop quoting it. God damn… god damn fahhhts!

Why does no one else find it weird you get to see how much gas someone put in their car before you?? Like why? Clear it away. Stop flexing.

The existence of “dumplings” means there must be a larger, more formidable “Dumple”

You know when you start a new job and your new coworkers blame all the problems of the org structure on your predecessor, but you slowly realize that no one could possibly fix this absolute mess… but you keep blaming them anyway? I hope that’s me, at all the jobs I’ve been fired from 🥰 My gift.

Everyone talks about cutting back on coffee to save money, nobody talks about bird seed

If I were an ice cream topping I’d be Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Clearly I’m out of my element but SOMEONE wanted to try something new so here we both are.

Trying to connect with people these days is like “Fuck it, we’re not playing D&D. We’re playing F&F tonight. Friends and Family.”

My fave thing about getting international spam texts about my outstanding speeding/parking/illegal tickets is that IVE NEVER OWNED A CAR.

#checkmate

If life is gonna offer lemons or scurvy… arrrrrrrrg it’s the pirates life for meeee

Hubby just described someone who he hates (because I hate them) as “a queef with rabies” and I just… cannot hope to be so eloquent

My mom just said I was Gal Fanning… she meant fan girling… ohhhh mom

Just realized there are probably couples out there named Mary and Jesus…

If witches use brooms to fly… do they use mops in water like a submarine?

Another gem, “if you licked me right now you’d dehydrate - that’s how salty I am.”

I don’t know why, but something about birds flying in heavy rain is deeply unnerving.

My husband, referring to the Boston traffic, “I’d clap if my hands weren’t around your fucking neck!”

I swear, Eminem was trolling EVERYONE when he rapped “guess that’s why they call it window pain”

I just saying it’s not too late for the Pope to pull a very neat trick…

Women need something stronger than fabreeze… we need Hebreeze, a special scientific scent to counteract all our husbands/boyfriends smells.

Anyone else keeping their extremely old college laptop alive because it has their copy of #finalcut7 on it? No? Just me..?