Robby Slowik

Heard all your moms walked out of The Smashing Machine because it wasn't a biopic about me

"Jane? Yeah, I remember Jane."

Nothing funnier than dating twinky musicians and actors and writing lyrics like “Your charisma filled the room before you even walked in/you were always so brilliant and it made my head spin” to dating an athlete and being like “Wait, did you guys know about sex?”

My morality is not for sale and to prove it, I dare any brutal regime to make me a $600,000 offer for a one nighter and see what I say. Do it. I dare you. Please do it. Please I dare you. Please do it. Do it please.

Might spend a week accepting all these spam loan phone calls and move to Argentina

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban are splitting up The Academy Award-winning actor and Grammy Award-winning country singer have been married since 2006.

I knew this was coming. Literally every time I go to the movies I see her there, alone.
www.nbcnews.com/news/amp/rcn...

You’re looking for Headbed™️

One day you’re flirting then dating and being sexy and then one day you walk out of the bathroom where you’ve been for 48 minutes, shuffle your feet through the Lego covered floor, and confidently declare, “Ok it’s DEFINITELY time for a colonoscopy.”

Riyahd is like a Mecca for comedy

A common misconception is that Saudi wealth comes from oil but it’s actually from submission fees to the Riyadh comedy fest

AI should do one thing and one thing only: Warn us that we’re about to send a shit talking text to the person we’re talking shit about.

I feel like enough time has passed where I can say this and it’s not distasteful.

More like Robert Deadford.

I don’t get political comics who alienate half the audience. I talk about the slow misery of youthful optimism’s transition to mournful, middle-age nihilism and alienate the ENTIRE audience.

All evidence points to Robby Slowik but the bullet casings said “Robby Slowik Didn’t Do It” so unfortunately, we are back to square one.

One thing I haven’t been passing on in Miami is all this cocaine

The “new this month” section on Peacock has United 93, World Trade Center, and the Pat Tillman Story like 9/11 is Halloween and people want to get in the mood with movies.

Trump claims a 2.8 golf handicap. This man has BEEN lying about strokes.

Proposed Caesars Palace Times Square Casino Project Sweetens Pot With Civil Rights Museum Caesars Palace Times Square has announced another deal-sweetening effort: a $15 million commitment to support a new civil rights museum in Manhattan.

The theme is Roman decadence made possible through subjugation and slavery and also - there's a civil rights museum!
deadline.com/2025/08/time...

SVU would have you believe there's a dedicated team of professionals committed to investigating every rape and not just two dudes with punisher tattoos being like "sounds like a misunderstanding"

How much you wanna bet this ends with everyone in the West Wing doing this to their own hands?

I didn’t even know NBC needed a merger approved

Meta is like, “we made a revolutionary new AI“ then you read about it and realize, “no, you just let a bunch of perverts program a sex bot“

At the Riyadh Comedy Fest wondering why my best weed jokes aren’t working at the stoner show then the first rock hits my face

Baby’s first Harvey Weinstein biography

He promised you idiots he’d build a wall and he’s doing it. Exclusively around himself and his cronies, but he’s doing it.

To me, it seems bad that a president with no intention of leaving is building a perimeter of militarized goons around his government residence.

Soiled nappy dumper caught in wheelie bin with trousers down while on bail Abbi Taylor was on bail for dumping soiled adult nappies at a number of nurseries in South Tyneside when she was caught with her trousers down in a bin

This headline is so British it’s not even English
www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news...

The cocaine is so much better in Miami anyway

Some of us lazy hacks are actually pretty cool when you get to know us

TV advertising is irreplaceable. I see a thousand online ads a day that just wash over me but I'll always know the number to dial if I have a structured settlement and I need cash now.