Stop saying the US is invading Iran for the oil. The US is invading Iran for the love of the game
"abolish ice" won't hurt dems in the midterms nearly as much as the power they ceded to the wealthy elites, which has (rightfully) cost them the trust of normal americans
Stop saying the US is invading Venezuela for the oil. The US is invading Venezuela for the love of the game
2026 predictions:
- Biden dies (old age)
- Trump dies (7th assassination attempt)
- anti-aging billionaire dies (chokes on a carrott)
- Taylor Swift dies (private jet is a boeing)
- Drake dies (testicular cancer)
- Musk dies (tesla explodes)
literally perfect
it's the war on Christmas and we're bringing democracy to the north pole
maybe the hamburger helper is just dressing for the job he wants
i love dating. i love finding out that i'm not good enough over and over
a dating app where they just mail you some rope
no i love it when you watch my stories but don't text back it's hot
taking fentanyl just so i can touch police officers
this time its for good and not evil
i loved it, it was hilarious
BREAKING: my heart
r u ok
Okay gang, The Onion is 80 sign-ups away from our 60,000th print subscriber.
This would put us in contention for the Top 10 most circulated newspapers in the U.S.
So! We're giving our 60,000th subscriber a mystery box by our archivist as a nice lil thank you.
Sign up now. I'd give it an hour.
a hot guy getting CTE is like a hot girl getting a BBL. stop it, you were already perfect
[texting my sister] ... and is there a mister carriage?
i met with a trauma surgeon but he said he couldn't do anything about my childhood
i need to hire the witch who cursed me because she did a very good job
thank god i'm so lazy. if not i would have killed myself dozens of times by now
i bet they call it something different like a jupiter flytrap
i'll take this into consideration
ty :)
a dating app where they just mail you a gun
should i just kill myself then
here for a time
they should make a dating app that works
magazines used to be cool. they used to be about touching girls butts and the desperate attempt to save 33 men trapped underground. now they're only about CEOs and semen retention
they should make ignoring me illegal
