Michael J

Math teachers seem to deal with a lot of problems.

My ex-wife hated my obsession with horoscopes. It eventually taurus apart.

My dad was fascinated by his new welding job and found it riveting.

“Dog chases down ambulance that owner is being transported in. When EMS realise, they let the dog in.”

Love this 🥰❤️

#DogSky
#Reddit
r\NextF***ingLevel

When she was told that she couldn’t be a contortionist, she got all bent out of shape.

“Stop making me laugh,” the wildcat said. “You’re going to make me puma pants! “

"Fuck your concrete"

BREAKING NEWS: This video will likely improve your day.

The great big lie.

I should have been sad when my flashlight died, but instead I was delighted.

The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

Morning kittens…

#Caturday

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

If you play around with a guillotine, you’ll beheaded for an accident.

I wanted to write a book about Ocean waves, but I couldn’t come up with a tidal.

To be clear, the GOP losing its mind that Van Hollen went down there is an excellent sign that it’s an effective strategy. Keep doing it.

The Dallas ICE office is involved in a mass removal effort targeting nearly 200 people — many without removal orders — scheduled to be deported to El Salvador today.

This is not just cruel – it is lawless. I refuse to stay quiet while families are being torn apart, and lives are being put at risk.

Agent Krasnov is filling our government with actual Russian agents. Where TF are the patriotic generals?? How could you all allow this to happen?

Thou shalt march on Washington by the millions and not leave until the Mad King is deposed.

When my car failed the inspection due to faulty stopping ability. I said, “Give me a brake.”

While dancing at the seafood nightclub last weekend, I pulled a mussel.

Forget about the legal case.

A man was wrongly deported and placed in a notorious prison with leaders of a gang out to get him.

Anyone with an ounce of basic human decency would fix the mistake and return that man to the United States

I told my doctor that I had broken my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places

lmao!

It’s still hard to believe the simple fact that this is all self-imposed. Everything that’s happening right now wasn’t the result of some foreign adversary destroying the country. We did this all to ourselves by electing the dumbest motherfucker to ever rule a nation.

Trending joke in Germany today:

“What borders on stupidity?”
“Canada and Mexico.” 🇨🇦 🇲🇽
😆👆🏼